Physical Attractiveness: An Important Overlooked Point of Steve Harvey’s Experiment

I take lunch late at work every day. Why? Because it’s like having two breaks when you’re at your desk in peace when everyone else is at lunch and when they return, you leave for lunch. Plus a late lunch brings you closer to going home when you get back to work. On my late lunch breaks I usually catch part of Steve Harvey’s talk show. I love watching that show, partially because I just love watching Steve do his thang. I’ve been a fan since he only did stand up and came to the Stardome in Birmingham, Alabama once a year.

SHatStardome

Anywho… On one show in particular, he had a set of twins on there that had problems finding a man. Y’all know this is Steve’s focus these days; helping women navigate the waters of dating men. As this is my forte’ as well, I often sit high and decide if I agree with his advice or not. Well, I’m sorry to report that I finally found an episode with dating advice that I don’t wholly agree with.

twins

Basically during this episode the twins were revealed to be led mostly by physical attraction when deciding on whether they wanted to continue dating a guy. The guys chosen for the dates were clearly not attractive by average standards. However, they had other great qualities.

the dates

The biggest problem I found with the date is that when the twins realized they were not physically attracted to the guys, they begin to focus their line of questioning on materialistic things. In fact, the questions were rather rude.

On Steve’s show after the date, the men revealed themselves to not only have some great qualities AND THEY WERE FINE TOO!

dude reveal

Now the rest of the show really focused on how unattractive people can have very attractive qualities and therefore should be given consideration. I agree to find the one for you that they should have more than just physical attractiveness. However, the one for you should have good qualities AS WELL AS be attractive to you.  Let me be clear, the one for you can be packaged well and have substance. If you are patient, you can wait to have both. If you qualify, then you will have both. Now if you don’t have what it takes to appeal to who you are attracted to then you may have to either be more patient than most or consider someone with fewer things on your list of must haves. I will be the first to admit that the twins were cute but that old Barbie doll hair weave they had may just be a turnoff to the perfection in a mate they seek. But I don’t think they should just put down the physical qualities they are attracted to just to get a good guy. Good guys can be attractive too. If you want one, have patience and find one!

Here’s the link to that segment of the show. At about 4:06 is when the guys reveal their true selves.

As always, I ask that you share your opinion or debate mine. Have at it in the comments.

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Dude Where’s YOUR Valentine’s Day Gift?

February has 29 days this year, this happens about every four years. It’s Leap Year!!!!! With it, comes a Valentine’s Day tradition: women are to focus on and court men, instead of the other way around. Just as most years she wants her gift and expects a big deal to be made about your love for her, why shouldn’t you expect the same during this special year.  It should all be about appreciating your mate and not materialism. For the purposes of this post, mate will be used as to not leave out the “it’s complicated” nature of today’s relationships. However, it does not refer to physical relationships. If you didn’t actually date each other before Vday, then the notion of the holiday probably won’t change that fact.

But if your mate is someone who cares about you, then why wouldn’t every opportunity be taken to make you feel valued? It is true that people who truly care about one another don’t need a reason nor a holiday to show it. But why not use it to kick things up a notch? It’s Leap Year. You’re the man. Why not have expectations of your woman to recognize you during this time?

So what’d you get?

Your answer should not be the “n” word….NOTHING.  Firstly Vday usually comes after another unofficial holiday season, the income tax refund. If you can’t save a little of that child tax credit to purchase your sweetie something nice, then just go ahead and break up!!! The truth is, it doesn’t take a lot of money to show someone you care and in some instances; it doesn’t take any money at all. It is the thought that counts, however you have to put that thinking cap on. Not spending money means you have to spend more brain power.

a nice handmade card

a CD with songs that remind her of you or one that helps her “ride the beat”

 

homemade chocolate covered strawberries

created “love” coupons for you to redeem for various sexual favors

even a personalized message detailing how she feels about you

Needless to say, a little thought can go a long way. What’s most important is that you feel like the true gift is a woman that cares enough to show you that she cares. There is always a lot of talk about there not being good men. A bigger problem is that a lot of good men don’t feel appreciated. You’re not a bad guy, now stand up and require to be appreciated. Your mate can only get back what they put in. Selfishness is a relationship killer. Anyone requiring more of you than they are willing to give will use you up. Anyone not recognizing you on this day that only comes around for an Olympic span of time, is also of the school of thought that a man is supposed to bring more to the table than a woman.

Me, me, me!!! She’s the same type of woman that would expect you to make her happy rather than being responsible for her own happiness and complimenting yours.  She’s the same woman that would go shopping instead of paying the bills because how people think of her counts more than how you think of her. If your woman can’t find a way to make you feel special on this day, then maybe you need to get rid of that problem to give yourself time to find someone who will. There are a lot of cold hearted women out there but every now and then, among them you find someone that stands out.

Quickie: Why Do People Cheat?

Why Do People Cheat?… an exert from The Talk with DK and Sha’ Thursday Nights at 8 pm EST on Blab. Want to hear the rest of the conversation? Follow @DKWalker1 and @Sha_iWrite on Blab and go listen to the replay of Cheating: It’s YOUR Fault. #TheTalkDKandSha

 

Back To Blogging but Supersized!

I’ve missed you!! And if you’ve missed me, no worries I’M BACK!! I’ve decided to turn things up a notch. I’ll still give you the real deal, straight – no chaser, truth about relationships. But now you can absorb it in two formats.

I’ve joined a friend to create The Talk with DK and Sha’ and it’s not your momma’s relationship show!! But if you enjoy this blog, you’ll enjoy the show. I’ll even bring some of the blog posts to life on the show.

How do you tune in? On Blab follow @Sha_iWrite and @DKWalker1. The show is every Thursday night at 8 pm EST. Tune in but I’ll be recapping the show here on the blog as well. So be sure to leave your comments under the recorded broadcast and recap. As always, I look forward to reading your opinions!

DK & Sha' small doc

 

Something Worse Than The Friend Zone

 It’s like you’ve known her forever and she even shares her inner secrets with you. She’s sooooo comfortable around you that she’s herself, no frontin’. You’ve even seen her without makeup and kicked it with her on her bad hair days.  When you’re watching a movie she’ll lay cuddled up under you and may even tilt her head to your shoulder. She trusts you to stay in the other room while she changes clothes and may even streak half naked passed the door way.

Whenever she has guy trouble, it feels like you are her first stop to discuss it and she even thinks out loud about how the guys she dates should be more like you. You wonder if she likes you “like that” because sometimes she’s hot and sometimes she’s cold. She has to like you because the two of you spend time together, right? She almost kissed you in the mouth the last time she gave you a peck to thank you for the money you let her “borrow”. Maybe you just have to figure out the right approach… OR maybe you are in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE!!

     I have news for you. You WISH you were in the friend zone. What you are is the boyfriend substitute. At least in the friend zone she’d offer up some of her female friends as a possible love connection. As the boyfriend substitute, she does everything in her power to block any happenings between you and her female friends. She wants you all to herself; she wants you to be free when she wants you. She wants to be able to break the glass in a boyfriend emergency and be able to use you for all the things she would a boyfriend… if she still had one.

     As a guy, you’re probably thinking of it as an opportunity you can turn into more with just a little persistence. It’s possible, it happens. But that is the exception and not the rule! Sure you can be her Jacob when Edward decides to pick up and leave (Twilight Movie reference).

She’ll immerse you with her time and you’ll seem to get closer and closer. Dinners, movies, get-togethers, family functions, you’ve been everywhere together! Car problems, money problems, personal problems, you’ve been through a lot together! After all you’ve always heard the best relationships come from close friendships. DUDE WAKE UP!!!! She needs you so she won’t think of him or need him. It’s only a matter of time before she either gets back with her Ex or finds her next. If she were into you, she’d have made it abundantly clear by now. She’s only blurring the lines of friendship because it suits her. Basically she’s spending time with you while she’s biding her time for someone else. And if you are telling yourself that she’s had a boyfriend before and come back to you, so that’s proof that you’re destine to be together… MAN LOOK, stop simpin’.  You and this female probably will never been together like that. She’s just not that into you!! Don’t believe me? Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does she introduce you as her friend, stressing the word “friend”, when around family and friends?
  • Do you get the “lol” or “:)” or the like after sending her that “Good morning beautiful” text message?
  • Does she pull back, when you try to get sexual?
  • Does she always tell you she’s glad you guys are friends?

Any of those questions alone, don’t mean much BUT answering yes to more than one tells a different story.  Stop wasting time to figure out ways to get her to want you as more than a friend.

Instead, be cognizant of where you spend your time and energy. Don’t invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in you. Think you can win her over with just a little more effort? I’ll just watch and it’ll be just like another movie I saw once…

Relationship laundry list or being happy with your choice?

If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.

Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head.  Your significant other should have this and be that.  If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs.  That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome.  Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list.  Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list?  There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.

mordor

If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference).  In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience.  Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.

If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game.  Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle.  Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change.  Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards.  All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with.  Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Need Closure For Your Old Relationship…. Zipper Anyone?!?!

Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering.  Men handle them differently than women.  As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner.  As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things.  As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended.  The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.

zipper

Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever.  The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate.  It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life.  Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything.  You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.

So where can you turn for closure?  Turn to yourself.  Closure always has and always will come from within.  You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc…  Stop calling him.  Stop waiting for him.  Stop Facebook stalking him.  YOU decide.  YOU have the power.  YOU give yourself closure.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

The New 80/20 Rule

 by Sha’  (Y.U.R.I. Magazine, Fall 2011 Edition)

     When speaking of the 80/20 rule, most envision the ever popular scene from Why Did I Get Married?  In that scene, a discussion is had among the husbands on the retreat, in which two of the husbands reveal their infidelities.  Within that discussion the age old adage of the 80/20 rule is explained.  The rule is based on the Parento Principle but adapted to marriage and relationships.  As adapted, the rule states that within a relationship a person will only get 80% of their wants and needs fulfilled from the person in which they are involved.  While having a grip on that 80%, ever so often someone comes along outside of the relationship possessing what is felt to be the missing 20% from your current involvement.  Often the 20% is praised, focused on and even preferred to the point of defection.  BAM!  The 80% is traded in for the 20%, only for the trader to realize later that the 20% alone.  This makes for a popular relationship mistake.

     I venture to introduce a new 80/20 perspective.  When leaving a relationship, people tend to spotlight what they did not receive during its tenure.  Filling that void is top on the list when interacting with potential new mates.  If the Ex didn’t spend enough time with that person, then the first attribute they evaluate about the potential mate is that he/she has time in abundance.  That person may have had 80% of everything else they needed or wanted out of the old relationship, but quality and quantity of time wasn’t accounted for within that percentage.  Now, time is a key component of the missing 20% in the must-have traits of the next mate…doing so down plays the 80% that encompassed other needed and desired characteristics by the old mate.  Treating the 20% as important is expected, however treating it as most important can lead to disaster.  Finding a mate with a wealth of time to spend as the focal point of the search can guide the searcher down a path of ignoring WHY the potential mate may have so much time to spend.  What if you are falling heart first for someone who has a lot of time because they refuse to hold a job?  If so, that negative trait may go undetected or simply be ignored just to fill the emptiness and feed a need for more time.  Knowing the qualities you need to compliment your happiness is smart.  Knowing the hierarchy of qualities you need to compliment your happiness likely exists in groups, rather than single traits, is smarter.

 1. quality time

2. honesty

3. hard working

4. sense of humor

5. considerate

6. light skinned

7. tall

     Listing traits in a single line (and even numbering them as seen above), leads one to think of each trait as a ranked item.  Rather than thinking singular, the thought process should be more geared toward a cluster perspective.  Much like the food group pyramid taught in nutrition classes, certain traits go together in importance and others together in less importance.  But “together” is the key.

tall,  light skinned

quality time,  sense of humor

honesty,  hard working,  considerate

     With core traits as the foundation, we take the same list and arrange it in a group hierarchy rather than a linear one (as seen above).  Time may have been a factor in the demise of the former relationship. However, based on the example it is clear you cannot search for time in your next mate without ensuring they also possess honesty, consideration and are hard working.  It is clear that a collection of traits with different degrees of importance are needed to compliment your happiness.  A solitary trait will not lead to the success of a relationship; therefore singular traits should not be sought after with the vigor of a crusade.  Instead of using the straw that broke the camel’s back as the lone important ‘gotta have’ item for risking your heart, simply adding it to the pool of traits collected through trial and error of life elicits more success.

     Pursuits of perfection can sometimes over shadow the less than perfect, but needed, things in life.  Vying toward what is not in possession, while not maintaining or considering what IS in possession, usually plays out like the misdirection in magic.  The big picture is missed due to a small portion being a focal point.  Trade in the microscope for a pair of glasses so you can see more of the full picture that will bring you success.  Always keep the totality of your percentage in mind.  If the goal is truly getting as close to 100% as possible, then building on the 80% is needed.

     The grass isn’t always greener on the other side BUT it is always greener where you water it.  But that’s a statement for another article.

Can You Stand The Rain?

 When it’s good….mannnnnnnnnnnn it’s great. But when it’s bad….are you ready to bail? When I refer to can you stand the rain, I’m not talking about that sexy rain that makes crotches get slid to the side.

I’m not even talking about the kind of rain that you get drenched in but you’ll dry off and be no worse for wear. Well you may get the sniffles but you don’t feel death at your door.

I’m talking about the kind of rain that comes with names like Katrina!

Yeah, really bad storms in your relationship. The kind of messed-upness that when it comes, it makes you wish for a Rip Van Winkle sleep so it will be completely over when you wake up!!!

            You and your girl have been getting along. You hung up your Playa Card and endured the epic slander that is your boys saying she’s got you whipped because you’ve settled down a little.  It’s not marriage, but maybe one day… You’ve seen her without make-up and even on the days she wouldn’t dare let anyone else see her.

Somehow you still didn’t run away. You two have even had your share of arguments that ended in the best of make-up sex. This girl has got to be the one “or you’re caught in the Matrix” (thanks Jay-Z). In a word, you’re happy! Then it happens BOOM! The fight that has Hiroshima’d how things were and now you’re not so sure of how things will be anymore. That fight that brings about the need for a time machine because things were great just yesterday. You feel like if you could just get passed this, everything would be fine BUT for now

The first thing you have to understand, nobody EVER got over something by stopping. When you can’t get around it, you get over something by going through it to get to the other side. The first thing you have to do when things calm down a little, is fight fair. Apologize for any needlessly hurtful things you said during Round 1 but don’t do it to get an apology from her.  Do it because you didn’t mean to hurt her. Most men think women are simply too sensitive but sometimes, men are just too insensitive. She’s your girl because you felt she was the best choice from the pool of singles you had to choose from what was out there. If she’s not like them, then you can’t treat her like them. You actually care about her, show it when it counts.

             Second, realize that if she’s responding to you then that’s a good thing. If she is talking, then she’s still trying to work on the relationship with you. You may get a silent treatment at first. Think about some of the things you said, do you deserve the silent treatment for a little bit? If she wants to work through it, she’ll soon come off the silence.

             Thirdly, talking is great but you want to turn talking into communicating. A part of communicating includes actually listening to what the other person has to say. Another part is taking the time to make sure you UNDERSTAND what that person is trying to say, what point they are trying to get across. Sometimes you could be saying the same thing but because you didn’t use the right words that person needed to hear to get it… miscommunication ensues.

 Real communication involves speaking without offending and listening without defending. – @DarkSkin

 No one can really tell you WHAT to say to get things on track but how about a game plan on HOW to say them. I’ll paraphrase a quote that gives you the sentiment of how to handle it: each time you discuss instead of demand, you strengthen your relationship. Same goes for speaking with respect instead of sarcasm, and listening instead of dismissing, and engaging instead discharging.

             Finally, if communication is the key, then action is what gets the door open after it is unlocked. Once a compromise is reached, you have to take steps to implement the plan that the two of you agreed upon. If it sounded better as theory but the application doesn’t quite work for you, then bring it back to the table for discussion. Remember you had an agreement, don’t change what you decided together for something you decided alone.

 Do the work and you could start to see the rainbow and leave the storm behind.

 You could always just decide forget it all and get back in the dating pool. But let’s just be honest, she was your best choice when you were in the single area before.  You have changed and not just anyone will accept your protruding nipples with a straight face. Besides…

May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor… (Female Rivalry)

Did it start before high school?  I’m not sure but at some point in some girls’ lives they liked a boy and that boy liked another girl.  Instead of finding a boy that likes her, what does she do… dislike the girl that was chosen.  Female rivalry, sadly it’s alive and well among women of all ages.

It’s clear to everyone but her, the problem is NOT with the other woman but with her man.  Why is it so easy to blame another woman for the short comings of your man’s promises to you?  Why dislike someone you don’t know just because they’ve caught the eye of your sweetheart and become relevant?  Some women simply find it easier to blame the other woman than to require change from their man.  Instead of holding him accountable for his actions, they engage in a laundry list of behaviors:

  • stalking the other woman’s social media
  • getting the other woman’s contact information from their man’s phone
  • calling the other woman to announce yourself as his
  • commenting negatively about the other woman for all the world to see on your social media
  • confronting the other woman however she can

 All those behaviors and more while your man comforts the other woman and tells her YOU are just crazy.  What do you gain besides everybody in your business and still as loyal as ever to him?

photo

Hunting down other women because they gain the favor of your man is like playing the Hunger Games.  You hope to shoot down every other woman in the running and end up as the last one.  Your strategy is flawed.  The problem is, you don’t have enough ammunition (and sometimes not even the right ammunition) to get rid of all the competition.  The problem is not the competition, the problem is the man placing you within a competition and you are helping HIM to win.  You see now he gets to have you and all the others he chooses to indulge in.  And if two or a few of you fight over him, then he gets even more.  He gets the best of you and the best of them because that’s what people in a competition give….their best.  He gains all the reward and everyone else involved gains a never-ending fight to be on top.

What should you do if you find yourself with a man giving you broken promises and showing affections toward another woman?  You should blame no one but him and decide if you want to share or wish him well.  You should know that what he doesn’t give you another man will and not be afraid to let go if that’s what you want.  You should know if you choose to stay then he need not enjoy exclusivity from you either.  You should know that another woman is NOT responsible for the upkeep of your connection to your man.  You should expect more from yourself than petty antics that still won’t get you what you want.  You should know to value yourself enough not to be immature and instead be and handle things intelligently.

Of course all of this is about another woman who is a stranger to you.  If the other woman is a family member or a friend…

images

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!