Physical Attractiveness: An Important Overlooked Point of Steve Harvey’s Experiment

I take lunch late at work every day. Why? Because it’s like having two breaks when you’re at your desk in peace when everyone else is at lunch and when they return, you leave for lunch. Plus a late lunch brings you closer to going home when you get back to work. On my late lunch breaks I usually catch part of Steve Harvey’s talk show. I love watching that show, partially because I just love watching Steve do his thang. I’ve been a fan since he only did stand up and came to the Stardome in Birmingham, Alabama once a year.

SHatStardome

Anywho… On one show in particular, he had a set of twins on there that had problems finding a man. Y’all know this is Steve’s focus these days; helping women navigate the waters of dating men. As this is my forte’ as well, I often sit high and decide if I agree with his advice or not. Well, I’m sorry to report that I finally found an episode with dating advice that I don’t wholly agree with.

twins

Basically during this episode the twins were revealed to be led mostly by physical attraction when deciding on whether they wanted to continue dating a guy. The guys chosen for the dates were clearly not attractive by average standards. However, they had other great qualities.

the dates

The biggest problem I found with the date is that when the twins realized they were not physically attracted to the guys, they begin to focus their line of questioning on materialistic things. In fact, the questions were rather rude.

On Steve’s show after the date, the men revealed themselves to not only have some great qualities AND THEY WERE FINE TOO!

dude reveal

Now the rest of the show really focused on how unattractive people can have very attractive qualities and therefore should be given consideration. I agree to find the one for you that they should have more than just physical attractiveness. However, the one for you should have good qualities AS WELL AS be attractive to you.  Let me be clear, the one for you can be packaged well and have substance. If you are patient, you can wait to have both. If you qualify, then you will have both. Now if you don’t have what it takes to appeal to who you are attracted to then you may have to either be more patient than most or consider someone with fewer things on your list of must haves. I will be the first to admit that the twins were cute but that old Barbie doll hair weave they had may just be a turnoff to the perfection in a mate they seek. But I don’t think they should just put down the physical qualities they are attracted to just to get a good guy. Good guys can be attractive too. If you want one, have patience and find one!

Here’s the link to that segment of the show. At about 4:06 is when the guys reveal their true selves.

As always, I ask that you share your opinion or debate mine. Have at it in the comments.

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Quickie: Why Do People Cheat?

Why Do People Cheat?… an exert from The Talk with DK and Sha’ Thursday Nights at 8 pm EST on Blab. Want to hear the rest of the conversation? Follow @DKWalker1 and @Sha_iWrite on Blab and go listen to the replay of Cheating: It’s YOUR Fault. #TheTalkDKandSha

 

Relationship laundry list or being happy with your choice?

If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.

Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head.  Your significant other should have this and be that.  If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs.  That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome.  Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list.  Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list?  There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.

mordor

If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference).  In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience.  Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.

If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game.  Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle.  Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change.  Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards.  All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with.  Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Can You Stand The Rain?

 When it’s good….mannnnnnnnnnnn it’s great. But when it’s bad….are you ready to bail? When I refer to can you stand the rain, I’m not talking about that sexy rain that makes crotches get slid to the side.

I’m not even talking about the kind of rain that you get drenched in but you’ll dry off and be no worse for wear. Well you may get the sniffles but you don’t feel death at your door.

I’m talking about the kind of rain that comes with names like Katrina!

Yeah, really bad storms in your relationship. The kind of messed-upness that when it comes, it makes you wish for a Rip Van Winkle sleep so it will be completely over when you wake up!!!

            You and your girl have been getting along. You hung up your Playa Card and endured the epic slander that is your boys saying she’s got you whipped because you’ve settled down a little.  It’s not marriage, but maybe one day… You’ve seen her without make-up and even on the days she wouldn’t dare let anyone else see her.

Somehow you still didn’t run away. You two have even had your share of arguments that ended in the best of make-up sex. This girl has got to be the one “or you’re caught in the Matrix” (thanks Jay-Z). In a word, you’re happy! Then it happens BOOM! The fight that has Hiroshima’d how things were and now you’re not so sure of how things will be anymore. That fight that brings about the need for a time machine because things were great just yesterday. You feel like if you could just get passed this, everything would be fine BUT for now

The first thing you have to understand, nobody EVER got over something by stopping. When you can’t get around it, you get over something by going through it to get to the other side. The first thing you have to do when things calm down a little, is fight fair. Apologize for any needlessly hurtful things you said during Round 1 but don’t do it to get an apology from her.  Do it because you didn’t mean to hurt her. Most men think women are simply too sensitive but sometimes, men are just too insensitive. She’s your girl because you felt she was the best choice from the pool of singles you had to choose from what was out there. If she’s not like them, then you can’t treat her like them. You actually care about her, show it when it counts.

             Second, realize that if she’s responding to you then that’s a good thing. If she is talking, then she’s still trying to work on the relationship with you. You may get a silent treatment at first. Think about some of the things you said, do you deserve the silent treatment for a little bit? If she wants to work through it, she’ll soon come off the silence.

             Thirdly, talking is great but you want to turn talking into communicating. A part of communicating includes actually listening to what the other person has to say. Another part is taking the time to make sure you UNDERSTAND what that person is trying to say, what point they are trying to get across. Sometimes you could be saying the same thing but because you didn’t use the right words that person needed to hear to get it… miscommunication ensues.

 Real communication involves speaking without offending and listening without defending. – @DarkSkin

 No one can really tell you WHAT to say to get things on track but how about a game plan on HOW to say them. I’ll paraphrase a quote that gives you the sentiment of how to handle it: each time you discuss instead of demand, you strengthen your relationship. Same goes for speaking with respect instead of sarcasm, and listening instead of dismissing, and engaging instead discharging.

             Finally, if communication is the key, then action is what gets the door open after it is unlocked. Once a compromise is reached, you have to take steps to implement the plan that the two of you agreed upon. If it sounded better as theory but the application doesn’t quite work for you, then bring it back to the table for discussion. Remember you had an agreement, don’t change what you decided together for something you decided alone.

 Do the work and you could start to see the rainbow and leave the storm behind.

 You could always just decide forget it all and get back in the dating pool. But let’s just be honest, she was your best choice when you were in the single area before.  You have changed and not just anyone will accept your protruding nipples with a straight face. Besides…

Ask Sha’ re Feminist Propaganda bullsh!t

I didn’t get a question. It was a comment. I will cut and paste it, as not to misquote:

men commit to relationships wwwaaay more serious than women…youre just spewing the normal feminist propaganda bullshit..

First, I’d like to ask, who threw-up in your Cheerios sweetie?  Second, I can only assume you were referring to the recent post 5 Men Single Women Should #AtThesameDayumTime and the line that went “Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.” Clearly you didn’t catch that I said women FEEL it’s hard to get a man to commit. Despite your mistaken comprehension of my post, let’s talk more anyway. You were kind enough to add a YouTube video to your correspondence. I have embedded the video below  to oblige your need for cross marketing for it from that audience to mine. 😉 I don’t know if you are the video author of this clip or simply a fanatic of it because you didn’t disclose. I’ll simply call you Mr. IP Address: 71.82.15.93.  The video starts by defining a woman attempting to persuade a man of her desires as “gyno-speak”. I assume the reference was a play on words as related to gynecology. I’m sure you thought that was as cute as I thought calling a dick the name Richard was cute in my post. To each his own on that point.  The video goes on to label a commitment as a man giving up his freedom and a woman using “shaming” language to accomplish this goal. It then continues on a tyriad about men not being commitment-phobes but being labeled as such by women who want to induce “domestic slavery”.  I apologize to you for stopping at the 3:53  point of the 12:09 video but I’d heard quite enough to back my initial opinion that you clearly misunderstood my post you lovingly labeled as “feminist propaganda bullshit”. However, I did surmise a few more points for you even having only heard about 1/3 of your recommended media delivered in a condescendingly robotic voice.

  • I never said men were commitment-phobes. I said they are selective and don’t easily settle for less than what they want. I then advised women to follow suit.
  • Every woman doesn’t want a commitment.
  • The video is a negative person speaking from a negative point of view probably not realizing that is the very state that lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy of attracting negativity. I believe the saying goes, “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I’ll translate it to apply here: if you expect that every woman that wants to be exclusive with you is inducting you into domestic slavery with vagina speak, then that is what you will attract.

I want to thank you so much for sharing. YOUR thought process is the exact thought process of a man that looks for woman to audition to earn your focus; regardless of your qualifications (or lack thereof ) for that focus. Thus proving the need for the original point of my advice………..ladies, qualify men (and friends, family, etc…) for your precious time and hearts.

The Book And The Cover

(A post from my personal blog.)

 BS

            I was watching the Blind Side….for the first time today.  It was a beautiful story. At the end they shared pictures of the real Michael Oher and his family.

 

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My first thought was if I’d seen those same pictures without knowing the story behind their family, I’d have judged them all wrong. I’d have thought, if even for a moment: that white family probably stepped in to help that black boy only due to his football ability and got paid off it in the end. It doesn’t come from a racist point of view, it comes from a “people always taking advantage of others” point of view. Besides, as the daughter of a white man and a black woman… I can say what I want about either race, so shut it!! Amazing how the first “cover” we give to “books” we haven’t read tends to be negative.

 

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         We’re told not to judge others. As humans we have a tendency to characterize and categorize. It’s actually a defense mechanism. You do it to get a feel on how to interact with things and even people. Sometimes our judgment is off and sometimes it’s spot on.

 

judging-others

 

         I venture to stand firm that people NEED to and SHOULD judge others.  I qualify the people in my life. It is a rare occasion that someone gets something (not always material things) from me that they weren’t qualified to receive. Who’s standards do I use? My own. My standards of qualification are led by my spiritual connection, how I was raised, what my environment has taught me and even sometimes what society has pushed on me.

         To judge before knowing about something is needed to quickly assess danger. I argue the quote “don’t judge a book by its cover” is not a good lesson. Most often in life you don’t have time to read the book, you may not have access to the Cliff Notes or half way through the book you realize it was a bad choice but it’s too late and you’ll never get that time/opportunity back.

 

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          Apply that to relationships, possible jobs, child care options, etc… Sometimes all you may have is a few minutes to judge whether something is good for you or not….good for your kids or not. You HAVE to judge and you have to be good at it and get better at it. Always judge BUT never be unwilling to adjust that judgment with the revelation of new information. Don’t be afraid to change your mind based on what you’ve learned since your initial judgment.

 

 MindPower

Don’t waste your life looking for “The One”

A lot of people believe they will find their other half in another person and that person will be their soul mate, “THE One”….their Neo.  Whether you take the red or blue pill, what you’ll have to realize is that YOU are “THE One”. What you are is what you will attract and connect to in this life.  If you are single, work to BE who you want to attract. If you are in a relationship, BE who you want your partner to be in return.  I found a great post that gives a similar perspective:

 

soulmate

From an early age we are taught to seek and desire that one special someone to spend our lives with. “The one”. This person is your soul mate, the one you will one day marry. The one who won’t be perfect but will be perfect for you. Yes indeed how many of us have sought for that in our youth and how many of us have actually found it?

To be sure some have, whether by seeking or by stumbling upon “the one” they have successfully found that someone whom they are happily spending their life with. Kudos to you.

But for many of us who are still “waiting” I would like to offer my personal opinion: You are free to disagree and experience will tell me that despite many of you agreeing in word very few of you will agree in action.

Don’t spend your life looking for, waiting for, and expecting “the one”.

For some people the ultimate goal is get a woman to spend their life with or a man to put that ring on their finger. I don’t think any of you who think this way mean any harm but I would say that the idea that “If we just work hard enough at it we can make a good marriage” may be a myth.

For others, perhaps the wiser (or at least the more idealistic), they don’t want to settle for anything but the best. These people want that person whom they can connect with on all levels, who shares their hopes and dreams, who fulfills their fantasies, who connects as a best friend and a lover.

For this second group of people finding someone compatible that you are willing to commit your life to is much harder and may take much longer. And these are primarily who I’m giving this advice to.

See you could spend all your time looking for, preparing for, trying to meet, and wishing for that one whom you think will make you happy. And for sure if you should ever meet it would be a happy relationship. But is this really any way to live?

There are few good marriages out there. Not that marriage is a bad idea. It’s not. But there are few people who remain married for life and even fewer who remain happily married for life. The idea of a perfect marriage is a mirage for most people.

Most. But not all. However, if you are holding out for that person whom you find really is “the one” for you my advice is this:

Learn to be content where you are. Learn to love where you are. Pursue other things in life. Pursue your dreams to save the world, or write a book, or start an orphanage, or perfect a musical instrument, or lead a church, or become a doctor. Whatever it is that excites you that you can attain: pursue that wholeheartedly.

This will first of all create a contented spirit in you which is very important to having a happy life. Secondly it will put you in the position to be where the kind of person who is “the one” would likely be as well. If you really want to be a missionary in Africa, spending time at a posh mega church single’s group will most likely not be the best place to meet a like-minded soul mate. In fact, you may fall in love only to find that you have to choose between your dreams and your lover. Sadly, many people give up everything for a human being who will ultimately let them down.

Godliness with contentment is great gain. Gain something by being content and stop waiting for the one. If they come you will be better for them. If they don’t you will have something to show at the end of your life besides a series of failed relationships.

from thelovemanifesto’s blog post: Don’t waste your life looking for “The One”.

2014 A to Z Blog Challenge

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Hey people. I haven’t blogged in a while and this challenge has come just in time to get me back in the habit. I first discovered this blog challenge last year.  I accepted and survived the challenge, posting every day but Sundays for the entire month of April. You may wonder where my posts are from last year. Well surprise, surprise I used my hard work from last year to publish a book: The ABC’s of Relationships: An Alphabetical Look Into Relationships available on Amazon.com as a Kindle eBook. You can find it HERE. The creator of this great challenge, Arlee Bird of  Tossing It Out, was gracious enough to even write the forward for my book. Some of my favorite comments from various blog posts even made it into my book as well (with permission, of course).

ABCcover

If you’ve taken time to look around my blog, you will see (if you didn’t figure it out from the name…DUH) it is primarily about relationships.  The focus is mostly on relationships of a romantic nature but some posts can be applied to your interpersonal relationships with friends, family, etc..  That brings to be what my A to Z Challenge theme will be this year: relationship with self.  This year I am writing about how to have a better relationship with yourself, one alphabet at a time.

The relationship YOU have with YOU sets the tone for the relationships you have with other people.  Some thoughts will overlap in different posts at times, after all life is connected.

I invite you to take this journey with me into self.  It is my hope that by the time we reach Z, you will know how to be the best YOU that YOU can be.

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Hang On Or Hang It Up?

When do you call it quits?  One or both people in a couple striving to make it together will try to answer this question for themselves at some point in their relationship.  We’re not perfect as individuals, therefore we’re not perfect together.  Disney would have us believe love conquers all.  It’s because of love that we may go back on some of the deal breakers we had before encountering our mate and/or keep going to the point of being fed up with our mate.  People in the stands watching your relationship while eating popcorn may hurl unsolicited advice at you based on what they’ve seen from the outside. 

  • “You deserve better!”
  • “I wouldn’t take that shit!”
  • “Are you stupid?”
  • “The one that’s right for you wouldn’t put you through this!”

 Some of those people are loved ones that are tired of seeing you hurt.  Some of those people are people that you’ve told you’re tired of being hurt.  None of those people know more about your relationship than YOU do.  The human spirit is full of resolve.  Only you know how much you have in you to keep fighting for the relationship.  Hope is one thing but the most important element as to should you stay is……….**drum roll**………..whether or not the other person is putting in effort to be with you too.  We all make mistakes and some of them are huge.  If you want to be with someone despite their mistake(s) it will take forgiveness on your part but also require work on their part.  Anyone that cares enough to be with you, will care enough to put in the effort needed to stay with you.  Not topical effort, not temporary effort, not just enough effort but the kind of effort that makes the hole they caused close up little by little.  No one can judge that but you.  No one can tell you when to give up but you. 

 27437-b-the-mexican

The relationships that have lasted a long time are not perfect relationships, they are simply relationships where neither party gave up on the other to the point of separation.  There will be bad times but you have to stick them out to make it back around to the good times. <—- That has to happen over and over again. 

Consider this short back and forth with the main characters of the movie The Mexican:  Samantha (Julia Roberts) feels like she can’t take anymore from Jerry (Brad Pritt).  All through the movie Jerry has delivered one disappointment after another that negatively affected their relationship.  She decides to leave but reappears in a last ditch effort that materializes in a question:

 Samantha:  …If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

 Jerry:  Never.

The ABC’s of Relationships…the eBook

As I discussed in the reflection post for the A to Z Blog Challenge I participated in the entire month of April, I will be taking the posts I created for each letter and publishing them in an eBook.

As of now, all 26 of those posts are  no longer visible on my blog. It is almost as if I didn’t blog at all in the month of April, when in reality I blogged everyday with the exception of Sundays. Never fear, the post have a new home with my eBook to be published this month in the Amazon Kindle store.

A huge thank you to Arlee Bird (the creator of the blog challenge) for agreeing to pen the forward for my book AND to those persons who gave their permissions for their comments to the original posts to be included in the book.  I’d also like to thank everyone that commented, followed my blog and shared my blog during the challenge. I hope you will consider giving the gift of my relationship advice to your family and friends.

The ABC’s of Relationships by S.W. Cannon will be published on Nonnac Content & Press into the Kindle store for only 99 Cents, June 2013.