Dude Where’s YOUR Valentine’s Day Gift?

February has 29 days this year, this happens about every four years. It’s Leap Year!!!!! With it, comes a Valentine’s Day tradition: women are to focus on and court men, instead of the other way around. Just as most years she wants her gift and expects a big deal to be made about your love for her, why shouldn’t you expect the same during this special year.  It should all be about appreciating your mate and not materialism. For the purposes of this post, mate will be used as to not leave out the “it’s complicated” nature of today’s relationships. However, it does not refer to physical relationships. If you didn’t actually date each other before Vday, then the notion of the holiday probably won’t change that fact.

But if your mate is someone who cares about you, then why wouldn’t every opportunity be taken to make you feel valued? It is true that people who truly care about one another don’t need a reason nor a holiday to show it. But why not use it to kick things up a notch? It’s Leap Year. You’re the man. Why not have expectations of your woman to recognize you during this time?

So what’d you get?

Your answer should not be the “n” word….NOTHING.  Firstly Vday usually comes after another unofficial holiday season, the income tax refund. If you can’t save a little of that child tax credit to purchase your sweetie something nice, then just go ahead and break up!!! The truth is, it doesn’t take a lot of money to show someone you care and in some instances; it doesn’t take any money at all. It is the thought that counts, however you have to put that thinking cap on. Not spending money means you have to spend more brain power.

a nice handmade card

a CD with songs that remind her of you or one that helps her “ride the beat”


homemade chocolate covered strawberries

created “love” coupons for you to redeem for various sexual favors

even a personalized message detailing how she feels about you

Needless to say, a little thought can go a long way. What’s most important is that you feel like the true gift is a woman that cares enough to show you that she cares. There is always a lot of talk about there not being good men. A bigger problem is that a lot of good men don’t feel appreciated. You’re not a bad guy, now stand up and require to be appreciated. Your mate can only get back what they put in. Selfishness is a relationship killer. Anyone requiring more of you than they are willing to give will use you up. Anyone not recognizing you on this day that only comes around for an Olympic span of time, is also of the school of thought that a man is supposed to bring more to the table than a woman.

Me, me, me!!! She’s the same type of woman that would expect you to make her happy rather than being responsible for her own happiness and complimenting yours.  She’s the same woman that would go shopping instead of paying the bills because how people think of her counts more than how you think of her. If your woman can’t find a way to make you feel special on this day, then maybe you need to get rid of that problem to give yourself time to find someone who will. There are a lot of cold hearted women out there but every now and then, among them you find someone that stands out.

Something Worse Than The Friend Zone

 It’s like you’ve known her forever and she even shares her inner secrets with you. She’s sooooo comfortable around you that she’s herself, no frontin’. You’ve even seen her without makeup and kicked it with her on her bad hair days.  When you’re watching a movie she’ll lay cuddled up under you and may even tilt her head to your shoulder. She trusts you to stay in the other room while she changes clothes and may even streak half naked passed the door way.

Whenever she has guy trouble, it feels like you are her first stop to discuss it and she even thinks out loud about how the guys she dates should be more like you. You wonder if she likes you “like that” because sometimes she’s hot and sometimes she’s cold. She has to like you because the two of you spend time together, right? She almost kissed you in the mouth the last time she gave you a peck to thank you for the money you let her “borrow”. Maybe you just have to figure out the right approach… OR maybe you are in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE!!

     I have news for you. You WISH you were in the friend zone. What you are is the boyfriend substitute. At least in the friend zone she’d offer up some of her female friends as a possible love connection. As the boyfriend substitute, she does everything in her power to block any happenings between you and her female friends. She wants you all to herself; she wants you to be free when she wants you. She wants to be able to break the glass in a boyfriend emergency and be able to use you for all the things she would a boyfriend… if she still had one.

     As a guy, you’re probably thinking of it as an opportunity you can turn into more with just a little persistence. It’s possible, it happens. But that is the exception and not the rule! Sure you can be her Jacob when Edward decides to pick up and leave (Twilight Movie reference).

She’ll immerse you with her time and you’ll seem to get closer and closer. Dinners, movies, get-togethers, family functions, you’ve been everywhere together! Car problems, money problems, personal problems, you’ve been through a lot together! After all you’ve always heard the best relationships come from close friendships. DUDE WAKE UP!!!! She needs you so she won’t think of him or need him. It’s only a matter of time before she either gets back with her Ex or finds her next. If she were into you, she’d have made it abundantly clear by now. She’s only blurring the lines of friendship because it suits her. Basically she’s spending time with you while she’s biding her time for someone else. And if you are telling yourself that she’s had a boyfriend before and come back to you, so that’s proof that you’re destine to be together… MAN LOOK, stop simpin’.  You and this female probably will never been together like that. She’s just not that into you!! Don’t believe me? Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does she introduce you as her friend, stressing the word “friend”, when around family and friends?
  • Do you get the “lol” or “:)” or the like after sending her that “Good morning beautiful” text message?
  • Does she pull back, when you try to get sexual?
  • Does she always tell you she’s glad you guys are friends?

Any of those questions alone, don’t mean much BUT answering yes to more than one tells a different story.  Stop wasting time to figure out ways to get her to want you as more than a friend.

Instead, be cognizant of where you spend your time and energy. Don’t invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in you. Think you can win her over with just a little more effort? I’ll just watch and it’ll be just like another movie I saw once…

30-60-90 Days: There is a Grace Period to Win Her Back

     So you had an argument and it’s really bad this time, huh? It was so bad, she says it’s over and it’s your fault. Let’s face it, it’ll always be your fault. Before you give up, make-up….you’ve still got time…

     If a woman has feelings for you, then she can’t just turn those feelings off like a switch. It takes time for her to disconnect and move on….no matter how big of a douche you were. It’s a process. 30-60-90 days, nahhhhhhh there isn’t a magic number that pertains to every woman. There are too many variables that directly correspond with how deep her connection to you could be: years of association, level of commitment, sexual compatiblity, how bad you hurt her, how many times you’ve hurt her, etc… All those things and more determine how deeply she’s into you thus how long it will take her to close the door on the chapter of her life that is you.

     If you want her back, the good news is there is a grace period. For what you ask? A grace period in which it is highly possible you can get her back. Regardless of the influence from her friends who never liked you and even regardless of the guys that try to hit on her; if you act quickly enough, with just the right amount of effort,  SHE CAN BE YOURS AGAIN!!!!

     Not only is the grace period about connection depth, it’s also about fantasy and dreams. A woman has been fed both, most of her life. She may have gotten it from her mom’s account of how love goes, Disney’s all-you-need-is-a-song-in-your-heart influence or the romantic comedies she’s always forcing you to watch with her where the asshole dude turned romantic gets the girl.  Whichever the case may be, almost every woman wants a man that will fight for her. If she runs away, she wants him to run after her. More particularly, she wants her man to fight for the “us” that is she and he. If she is running away, she’s probably looking behind her to see where you are.

     How do you maximize the grace period? EFFORT!!! In the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Kate Hudson chooses Matthew McConaughey for the express purpose of breaking up with him. She started off as her normal, cool self to lure him in, then she turns into this crazed girlfriend. She basically tortured him with all the female faux pas to get him to leave.

She cried at the drop of a hat, with no sane reason as the cause.

She bought a plant for him to take care of, called it their “love fern” then totally went left, psycho style when he let it die.

She even went as far as to name his private parts Princess Sofia using a baby voice.

As you can image, a man can only take so much before he snaps. Matthew blows up, Kate dumps him as planned. Enter the unplanned!! He offers couple’s therapy. They go spend time with his family. Effort, effort, effort! Yada, yada, yada! He ends up getting the girl.

Effort! It isn’t always what you did wrong that ends a relationship. Most often, it is the lack of real effort to fix the wrong that equals its finality. You may not have the solution to the problem between you BUT your willingness to work toward a solution will not go unnoticed, within a relationship that is still in the grace period. Your status may not immediately snap back into place, however your effort will keep her heart open to you and you can eventually get there.

If you mess it up, put in work to fix it and do it as sincerely as possible, as soon as possible.

Releasing HER freak


     Have you tried to do or suggest some things but your woman’s refusal has you wondering where her inner freak is hiding?  There are women who are naturally curious and experimental, those traits cross over to their sexuality easily.  There are women who simply won’t venture out, no matter what their partner says or does. Still yet, there are women with that touch of freak just waiting to come out. The latter is who we’ll focus on.

     First consider a few things, women are taught from girlhood to be a lady. They are told over and over again what makes them a lady and what does not. Anything even remotely sexual is deemed unladylike and immediately stomped out of their public behavior pattern. An extreme obstacle can be created when women are reared in the church to such starch guidance, that there is a seed in them sprouting confusion over right and wrong as it pertains to sexuality.

An average obstacle, seen almost daily in discussions on social media sites, can be the freak versus hoe argument. Most women don’t mind being seen as a freak but none are too keen on being labeled a hoe. What’s the difference? For the purposes of this article: a freak is someone who is sexually free with a significant partner(s); a hoe is someone who is free sexually with a significant amount of partners with no significance. Whether the obstacle is extreme or average, many women struggle with how much of themselves is honorable to give to a man. Enter the age old question; how do you get her to go from

   to   !!!!

     The reason you haven’t seen it may be because you don’t bring it out of her. Are there trust issues between you two already? You may not see the correlation but if she can’t trust you or your behavior, she probably won’t trust you enough to show you her freaky side. Do you have a predictable sexual routine? If you go from missionary to the buck to the scissors most every sexual encounter then maybe she doesn’t think YOU have a freaky side. If you are not doing well in a twosome, you’ll probably never make it to a threesome. Women get tired of the missionary position and other mundane positions, they need variety too.

     The underlying reasons behind her prudish behavior may not be your fault, but with your help she can overcome them. The name of the game is comfort. If she is comfortable with you, then what’s hidden will come out. This may seem an elementary step but never forget to help your woman feel at ease in her skin. Don’t brag on other women (this includes celebrities) around your woman. Most women already have a tendency to compare themselves with each other. If you are giving her someone to compare herself to and she feels that she falls short… well, no freak for you. Conversely, do say things that let her know you love her body just the way it is. If she feels like you think she’s sexy, then she’s more apt to feel and act sexy. How she feels ABOUT her body directly effects how she responds WITH her body. Flattery gets you everywhere, including a place of impromptu oral. So get your head out your ass and get those sexy reinforcing words flying often.

     You’d be surprised how many women haven’t experienced an orgasm. If she’s not getting that “O”, she’s less likely to spice things up. A female orgasm can be a complex thing. A person has to be focused on the act of sex to truly enjoy it to the fullest. It can be harder for women to even get into the frame of mind because by nature, they think about a million things at once. Don’t believe me? Fine, I’ll prove it.

As a man your response may be along the lines of : she got a fat ass, ohhh she ain’t got no panties on, I’d hit that from the back, etc… You may have more than one thought, but they will be cohesive to sex.  A woman will respond something like this: I wonder if she has on white shoes too, that black purse is NOT complimenting that outfit, I hope it’s not after Labor Day, I ate too much during the holiday, I need to start back exercising, I never did make my doctor’s appointment, I have to go by Walmart, etc… She’ll always have more than one thought, but they will hardly ever stay concentrated on what you’d deem the same subject. With that said, you’ll have to help her stay focused on the prize. Once something feels great, focus is easily placed on it. A good way to achieve that is through awesome foreplay. Don’t just jump on top to “do your business”. You’re not mister and she’s not Celie. If you want more out of it, you’ll have to put more into it. Anything that stimulates the clitoris is usually a sure fire win/win. Use your tongue, a moist finger, a battery powered bullet, etc… Once those juices start flowing the sensation alone will keep her attentive to the task at hand.

Give a girl an amazing feeling to chase and she’ll follow you to places to re-live that experience. As a man, you almost have to think of sex like tithing. What you give, will come back to you tenfold!! You can opt to do nothing different but you’ll have to keep using THIS move to a dvd of Pinkie trying to use her T-rex arms and a pink wig to make your fantasies coming true…


They Won’t STFU Communicating in Secret Woman Language


It’s well known that females like to talk.  We talk to our friends.  We talk to our co-workers.  We talk to you (to death, let you guys tell it).  We also talk to the other women you’ve dated in the past and/or to anyone we think you may be interested in/dating in addition to us.  Oh yeah…we talk.  Often it isn’t direct and even more often, men don’t pick up on it.  Back in the day we’d dedicate a song to you on the most popular station of the radio.


“This next song goes out to Dexter of Pleasant Grove from Laura.  She wants you to know that no matter the hard times, she will always love you.”

These days women symbolically pee around their territory on social networks.  It may be a subtweet (a tweet referring to a person without using their name) or it may be a Facebook post.


          As a man, most of you will think such behavior is catty and petty.  Why are women like this?  What drives this kind of behavior? In a word…jealousy.


Even a secure woman can feel some kind of way if they feel the presence of another woman growing in your life or you show what they deem as undue attention to another woman or women.


How does YOUR woman even know about anyone else?  Even if you haven’t left evidence or done anything different, the other woman will begin to make her own presence known.  If a woman is in “like”, let alone in love with you then she will always crave to be top dog.  I call this the fight to be relevant.  Even the friends with benefits partner will maneuver for a top spot once she gets a whiff of competition.  Competition over a man will NEVER not feel like a threat to a woman.  We can’t even share clothes, very few of us can successfully share a man.  In fact, most women are driven by the fear of having to share a man or losing out to another woman after unknowingly having shared a man.  We want to know we were your best choice…we prefer to be your only choice.  That preference is what drives us to destroy any possible competition.  If competition exists we WILL find her because as soon as we get that whiff of competition, we shift into observant detective overload.

A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than The FBI

We start to leave “messages”.  The main message is girlfriend, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE!  Sometimes it’s your own carelessness as a man that plays a part in giving you away.  Maybe the date you paid for at the frou-frou restaurant which wasn’t with her, was evidenced by the receipt displaying that big tip you left to make a good impression.


Most often is something she did that you missed to test the waters with her message. She conveniently puts her lipstick stained glass in the sink with the stain facing another dish rather than outward where you’d immediately see it.  You look for stains on in the middle of the sheets but what about the make-up stains on the pillow case that she flipped over as she made your bed hoping you wouldn’t be the first to see it.


Hair pins or a pair of earrings left in your window sill hidden by your blinds only to be discovered by the other female when she goes to use the same window sill as a shelf too.  Get a nightstand for the other side of the bed too dude! lol  The shadowy area under the guest side of the bed can be refuge to any number of not-so-big items left by a woman for the next guest to find.  Next thing you know, you’re being asked “Who’s is this?”


She’s the last one in the bathroom before you leave for work and she’s opportunistically put your condom on the top of the trash.  Your kidney fails you because you don’t have a reason to go into your bathroom before having company directly after work.


Oh the bathroom is not your friend and instead can be one of the biggest tattletales.  You may catch the girl soap she left on the tub but what about the travel sized body spray she left under the sink in the far corner behind your toilet tissue supply.  Of course it wouldn’t be your life if your girlfriend didn’t discover it while changing the empty roll.  A dirty linen hamper can be a foe with purpose too.  Housing light colored washcloths or towels with make-up stains or a few too many used towels when you are clearly on the same set as last week can all be a dead giveaway.  Here’s one, she recognizes the hair in your brush as not her own.  Heck you thought it was hers, it’s the same color!!


Once the language of “You Aren’t the Only One” commences then it is received loud and clear then is usually answered with woman speak for “I’m more relevant than you”.  Once this “talk” begins, it’s all downhill from there.  Drama ensues!!


Whether you are upfront about dating more than one woman at a time or you have a girlfriend and you’re cheating…trust becomes an issue.  She may not trust that you are as committed as you say or she doesn’t trust she gets more of you than other women, either way the dynamic of the relationship changes.  Now she’s checking your phone or watching you closely every time you pick up your phone.



When she gets a name, the real craziness arises!  You imagine she’ll just be done with you and leave.  Nope!!  She’ll stay up at night upset over what she’s discovered, sure.  She’ll think about how you’re the scum of the earth and how you don’t deserve her…


…BUT you won’t get off that easy.  Some women actually think that winning is keeping the man and making the other woman let go.  What usually happens is, neither woman wants to let go.  So instead that’s when the fight started, yes even physical fights sometimes.


Most definitely, as a sign of the times, social media fights.


          Women talk.  Sometimes we use our own language that goes above the head of the average man, however we manage to get the message across to others in our species.  With the ratio of women to men being to your advantage, be more aware of the messages being sent by the women in your life.  All of these messages are not verbal and all are not direct.  No matter how much you may wish for it, you probably won’t get us to…


Tweetle Dum & Tweetle Dee


    For the last few years social media has been a part of most people’s everyday lives. Yet some men haven’t quite been able to navigate some of the pit falls of social media as it relates to the women in their lives. Whether the relationship is purely sexual, a dating situation or a committed relationship, social media brings with it its own set of problems between men and women. When a man is in attendance at an event where his “lady friend” is also present or could walk in unnoticed to observe his behavior, he has a different set of social rules. That man knows he has to do things a certain way to prevent drama at the event and/or unwanted conversations after the event. Some of the actions are out of respect and others are to prevent flare-ups of insecurity. Regardless of why, following those rules isn’t representative of a man’s normal social behavior. You have to do the same thing when it comes to social media to prevent the same problems.

     After polling men with social media accounts, I came up with a list of the most common complaints. If you DGAF…STOP READING HERE. If you don’t want to hear these complaints, then be proactive.

COMPLAINT: Why you tell HER good morning? You don’t even tell me good morning anymore…

HER VIEW: You must have an interest in her or you wouldn’t go out of your way to do it.

PRO-ACTION: When you log on, do a general greeting. Do NOT single out any one of the opposite sex.


COMPLAINT: Isn’t that your Ex? Why are y’all communicating? How would you like it if I communicated with my Ex?

HER VIEW: You are creating opportunity to backtrack and reunite. By the way, anybody you’ve been with before her, is  going to be labeled as an Ex.

PRO-ACTION: Limit public communication with anyone SHE would qualify as an Ex. That’s what DMs and private messages are for, privacy. ALWAYS delete them after the conversation.


COMPLAINT: You can tweet/update your status but you can’t text/call me back?

HER VIEW: She understands if you are busy and can’t get right back to her but she expects that when you are no longer busy, your first order of business is to text/call her back. She will not view tweeting/updating your status as more important than her.

PRO-ACTION: I know you prefer your app but the easiest fix here is to tweet/update your status from the web as often as possible. Doing so lends credit to the excuse that you weren’t by your phone or didn’t know she’d sent a text/called.  Think of it as the online version of “I left my phone in the car”.


COMPLAINT: Why you stopped tweeting/don’t tweet me (like my status or comment on my posts)? You do it for other women all the time. You don’t want people to know we’re together?

HER VIEW: You’re down playing your association with her to leave the door open for other women to approach you or consider your approach.

PRO-ACTION: Be social with her, just as you are with others. It doesn’t have to be often nor telling of what kind of relationship you have. It’s just a form of inclusion that could spare a break in your peace of mind. Never forget women notice changes in patterns. If you tweeted your ass off to get her attention then stop when you get her, it is noticed. Feel free to level off the tweeting but don’t stop tweeting her.


COMPLAINT: It’s so disrespectful to be tweeting/commenting back and forth on posts late at night.

HER VIEW: She assumes you have sex on your mind during that hour and all communication with the opposite sex will be viewed as a form of flirting.

PRO-ACTION: Either only DM/ private message women during that time or go play Call of Duty something. They don’t call it #TwitterAfterDark for nothing!


COMPLAINT: Why you going back and forth with that one female? You like her or something?

HER VIEW: Once again long conversations denote interest. She won’t see it as interest in the topic, only as interest in the female.

PRO-ACTION: Unless it is a group discussion, don’t single out other females to have public, lengthy conversations. Take that to DM/private message.


COMPLAINT: What woman were you talking about when you tweeted #OOMF? What’s that all about?

HER VIEW: You’re having sex with #OOYF. #ThatIsAll

PRO-ACTION: Stay away from the #OOMF and the #her tweets period. Even if you are talking about her sometimes, she’ll still be obsessed with trying to figure out if and how many other women could fit the possibility. That may lead to placing certain women on their radar, you don’t need those problems.


COMPLAINT: Are you talking about me in your tweet/post? It really hurt my feelings because it could apply to me.

HER VIEW: Is that how you really feel about me?

PRO-ACTION: Don’t tweet/post anything similar to topics of past or current arguments or state of conditions with her. When a topic is brought up or you come up with one randomly, if you think she’ll take it wrong, just don’t go there.

      Any of that seem like too much trouble to go through; too much consideration to show? Fine, don’t be proactive BUT remember this:


     This is especially so with women. When a woman does not feel special, it ignites something in her. Social Networking is just the computer version of a paper trail. It can be worse than leaving your little black book around or your cell phone with unlocked text messages and picture albums. Treat the situation as though any woman you are dealing with has read ALL of your tweets/posts to back before she knew you and/or back to your first tweet. Approach it as though she’s seen every picture in your Facebook albums and in every picture media site associated with your Twitter account: Frog, TwitPic, Lockerz….all of ’em.  She will use all of this intel to make sure that everything is as it should be. Women are going to try their best to stand out from the crowd. If they are special, you will allow them to stand out. If they are not special, you will suppress every attempt they make. Women know this, therefore they are going to pee all around you, your tweets, your Facebook posts, your MySpace status, etc… to try and claim or keep territory. Use that knowledge and dull your public interactions to make NO one feel special or stand out if you are living the single life or to ONLY make her feel publicly special and stand out if you are in that type of relationship.

 Don’t address it and you will hear all about it…BLAH, BLAH, Whine, Whine….

Ask Sha’ re Nice Guys

Question: I’m tired of trying and starting not to care. Do nice guys really always finish last?

Answer:  Maybe as a “nice guy” you are giving more than is being invested in you in return. You simply have to qualify the people in your life for what you have to give of yourself.  Those special things about you aren’t meant to go to everyone or just any one.  Also as a “nice guy” be sure you aren’t romanticizing situations to be what you’d like them to be versus what they really are (i.e. just because you want a girlfriend doesn’t mean every girl that interacts with you is willing to be your girlfriend).

Ask Sha’ re: sex drive

Question:   Im only 29 and no where near as horny as I used to be 😦  …impossible for me to get 3 in now. What’s up with that?

Answer:      I am not a medical doctor. However barring any medical reasons, I’d just say that sort of thing comes with age for most men. Now is the time to start putting more energy into your foreplay.  Make it your goal to make her cum once from your foreplay alone and then once from the actual penetration, that way if or when you make it to two nuts for you…. it is just icing on the cake for her.

Do you have a question or a topic you’d like to get a female point of view on? Use the form below to anonymously ask it and if you’re question is chosen, I’ll answer it here.

Ask Sha’ re: Non-Custodial Father Problems

Question: I have an active part in my daughter’s life, however I’ve had incidents with the daycare center only attempting to comment her mother when there is a problem. If she is sick or has a behavior problem, why not call the mother AND the father or at least call the father if you can’t get in touch with the mother?

Answer: From what you are saying, it sounds more societal than personal. The average person in society assumes the mother as the contact for those type of things. First, I suggest you talk to the day care teacher and the day care director. Let them know you are a viable first contact. Second, I suggest you get more involve at the day care: start doing drop-ins, go eat lunch with your daughter, volunteer to read to her class, etc… When you are the highly visible one, it is hard for you NOT to be the first to come to mind when it comes to your daughter.