Hang On Or Hang It Up?

When do you call it quits?  One or both people in a couple striving to make it together will try to answer this question for themselves at some point in their relationship.  We’re not perfect as individuals, therefore we’re not perfect together.  Disney would have us believe love conquers all.  It’s because of love that we may go back on some of the deal breakers we had before encountering our mate and/or keep going to the point of being fed up with our mate.  People in the stands watching your relationship while eating popcorn may hurl unsolicited advice at you based on what they’ve seen from the outside. 

  • “You deserve better!”
  • “I wouldn’t take that shit!”
  • “Are you stupid?”
  • “The one that’s right for you wouldn’t put you through this!”

 Some of those people are loved ones that are tired of seeing you hurt.  Some of those people are people that you’ve told you’re tired of being hurt.  None of those people know more about your relationship than YOU do.  The human spirit is full of resolve.  Only you know how much you have in you to keep fighting for the relationship.  Hope is one thing but the most important element as to should you stay is……….**drum roll**………..whether or not the other person is putting in effort to be with you too.  We all make mistakes and some of them are huge.  If you want to be with someone despite their mistake(s) it will take forgiveness on your part but also require work on their part.  Anyone that cares enough to be with you, will care enough to put in the effort needed to stay with you.  Not topical effort, not temporary effort, not just enough effort but the kind of effort that makes the hole they caused close up little by little.  No one can judge that but you.  No one can tell you when to give up but you. 

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The relationships that have lasted a long time are not perfect relationships, they are simply relationships where neither party gave up on the other to the point of separation.  There will be bad times but you have to stick them out to make it back around to the good times. <—- That has to happen over and over again. 

Consider this short back and forth with the main characters of the movie The Mexican:  Samantha (Julia Roberts) feels like she can’t take anymore from Jerry (Brad Pritt).  All through the movie Jerry has delivered one disappointment after another that negatively affected their relationship.  She decides to leave but reappears in a last ditch effort that materializes in a question:

 Samantha:  …If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

 Jerry:  Never.

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The ABC’s of Relationships…the eBook

As I discussed in the reflection post for the A to Z Blog Challenge I participated in the entire month of April, I will be taking the posts I created for each letter and publishing them in an eBook.

As of now, all 26 of those posts are  no longer visible on my blog. It is almost as if I didn’t blog at all in the month of April, when in reality I blogged everyday with the exception of Sundays. Never fear, the post have a new home with my eBook to be published this month in the Amazon Kindle store.

A huge thank you to Arlee Bird (the creator of the blog challenge) for agreeing to pen the forward for my book AND to those persons who gave their permissions for their comments to the original posts to be included in the book.  I’d also like to thank everyone that commented, followed my blog and shared my blog during the challenge. I hope you will consider giving the gift of my relationship advice to your family and friends.

The ABC’s of Relationships by S.W. Cannon will be published on Nonnac Content & Press into the Kindle store for only 99 Cents, June 2013.

 

I was nominated for a Liebster Award…

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I was nominated for a Liebster Award by Tamara at PenPaperPad.  The Liebster Award focuses on blogs with fewer than 200 followers. It’s bloggers telling other bloggers, “Hey you don’t suck,” and getting them a little more attention. This is my very first blog award so it will always be particularly special to me.

These are the Rules nominees are supposed to follow:

1. The Liebster is given by bloggers to other bloggers who have less than 200 followers.
2. Each blogger should post eleven facts about himself or herself.
3. Each blogger should answer the 11 questions that are asked by the person doing the nominating.
4. Choose eleven new bloggers to nominate for the Award and link to them in the post.
5. Create eleven new questions for your nominees.
6. Go back to their pages and tell them they’ve been nominated.
7. No tag backs.

This is a four step process:

Step one: 11  facts things about me

1. I am an all around creative person: writer, artist, musician and all around beauty surveyor.

2. I am totally and disgustingly in love.

3. I believe in zodiac traits (but not horoscopes).

4. I love to eat but I’m persnickety with my food.

5. This is my third blog.

6. I love animals but will never own a cat because I want to be the only one with attitude in my house.

7. I searched for, found and am now enjoying the writing culture in my city (Birmingham, AL).

8. I had my cable cut off at the beginning of the year to focus on writing my first book.

9. I hate exercise but I having a Buddha belly more.

10. I’ll be 42 years old this October but most people guess that I’m younger. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

11.  I am one of the silliest, realist and I’m aware that those two things are usually opposites. 😉

Second step: 11 questions about me.

1. Favorite book of all time, and why?

My favorite book is The Coldest Winter Ever by Sistah Soulja.  I love this book because it was the first book I ever read with a dialect similar to my own. As I read it, the voice in my head wasn’t my proper/professional voice and instead was my comfortable/everyday, talking to friends voice.
2. Favorite way to spend the weekend?

A great weekend for me includes one on one time with my man, family time with the children and top it off with some me time relaxation that will get me ready to deal with the week to come.

3. Why did you join the A to Z challenge?

I took up the challenge because I knew it would truly be a challenge for me to blog every day. I’m happy to say that I beat the challenge but most of all it has encouraged me to put more content on my blog more routinely.

4. Why did you start a blog?

I began writing my suspense fiction novella at the beginning of the year but I still yearned to share my relationshipisms. I start my blog to share what I know about relationships and receive what other people felt about what I shared.

5. What methods do you use to de-stress or clear your mind?

I love a great movie or book, add a glass of wine and it’s a de-stress party!!

6. Favorite food?

Italian food is my favorite. I love pastas and sauces.

7. A childhood memory that’s stayed with you?

Receiving a matching umbrella, rain coat and rain boots for Christmas one year and wanting to wear them all the time to reenact Singing in the Rain.

8. Favorite place?

I love to be on a beach with a fruity alcoholic  beverage in hand!

9. Favorite quote?

“Stop to see the best in someone else, rather than always expecting others to see the best in you.” – me

10. Most influential person/persons in your life?

My sons collectively are the most influential force in my life because they motivate me to stretch and reach for the stars just so I can prove that they can too.

11. Is the glass half full, or half empty?

My default outlook is positive and optimistic, so the glass is half full.

Third step: now I pick 11 bloggers to nominate for the

KristenHead: Kristen’s blog is all about her random musings. My favorite post of hers is the one where she tells you why she named her blog “KristenHead”.

AdventuringAtHome: Katie blogs about being home Virginia. I’ve learned more than a few things about her and the state of Virginia.

ReflexReactions: Ida and I are worlds a part (literally since she lives in Denmark and I live in the US) but we’ve often agreed on a lot of subjects.

Write, Clair, Write: Clair shares about fitness, money management and even people. I love how she incorporated a professional touch by adding the “clips” and “resume” tabs to her blog. I’ll be copying her and doing myself here soon!

AngelaMooreBlog: Angela writes about anything from her experiences to her take on shows she watches on television to so much more.

EvolutionOfTheChicken: WARNING, RATED R…I love this blog because I can peek into a world that is not my own. She writes about being polyamorous and anything else that comes to her mind.

LifeAndTimeOfATiredMom:  WARNING, RATED R…Anything she can relate to sex, she does.

Delusionary Cinderella: She blogs about her search for a soul mate but also about women, men and relationships in general.

RenardMoreauPresents: I can count on a post from this blog all through the day. The subject matter can be celebrities, music, books, etc… but my favorite are the quotes.

SheMakesCents: Danielle blogs about money: how to save it, what to spend it on, what not to spend it on, etc… She’s my very own Susie Orman.

Last but certainly not least, NanciScarpulla: I met Nanci at a blogging event in my city (Birmingham, AL), her personality was refreshing and her posts are too!

Fourth step: 11 questions I want the bloggers I nominated for a Liebster Award to answer

1. What inspires you to write?

2. Do you write strictly for fun or do you write professionally also?

3.  What is your blog typically about?

4. What do you like to read?

5. What’s your favorite movie?

6. What color makes you happy?

7. What is your favorite smell?

8. When you’re down or depressed, what cheers you up?

9. What helps you come out of a writer’s block?

10. Who is your favorite author?

11. What is your favorite blog to share with others (can’t be your own blog)?

I am honored to have been chosen for this award, I hope those whom I have nominated feel honored too!! Chow Bella!! Yes I know I spelled it wrong, just laugh. lol

Reflections on my participation in the 2013 A to Z Blog Challenge

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I am so glad I happened upon this blog challenge. I found it while searching for an Instagram April 2013 photo-a-day challenge I wanted to participate in for fun. This challenge has really made me dig in and think about my chosen subject matter for this blog. I started off strong. I took the calendar and wrote in suggested topics all centered around relationships in each block for every letter. In the beginning, I even blogged ahead for a few posts. As the challenge progressed and life started to interfere, I wasn’t able to blog ahead but I did blog daily.  Sometimes I even stayed up past my bedtime just to get my blog in for the day. Toward the end I got behind due to a grueling schedule for the weekend of the 26th to the 28th. I got caught up and even submitted my last blog entry on the last day of April. I enjoyed exploring my personal experiences, as well as the feedback from others. In the coming months I will compile my posts into an eBook entitled The ABC’s of Relationships.  This experience has been one that has made me grow as a writer.

Another benefit is that I now follow some awesome bloggers I may not have discovered if it weren’t for our participation in the challenge. I doesn’t hurt that I gained more than a few followers as well. I hope I can continue to peak their interest, even if it isn’t daily. I wish it were a quarterly challenge but as it stands, I’ll have to wait until next year. Who knows, maybe I’ll even come up with my own blog challenge and invite my fellow bloggers to join me.

I am proud to be a survivor of the 2013 A to Z Blog Challenge.  Fellow AtoZ’ers, tell me about some of your challenges and experiences with the challenge.

Blogging from A to Z Challenge

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While looking for an April photo-a-day challenge that looked like fun to so on my Instagram account, I came across the A to Z Blog Challenge.  What is the challenge you ask? Basically every day in April (except for Sundays) you post a blog with the subject focus being a letter of the alphabet. Starting with April 1st being for the letter A, you continue on through the month skipping over Sundays.

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The cool thing is that no matter what the subject matter of your blog, you can take this challenge. My blog being about relationships, I will correspond each letter with a relationship related topic. The goal is for each post to be around 100 words. As I just found out about it shortly before the deadline to sign up, sadly most reading this may be too late to take this particular blog challenge this year. Here are the rules and the signup information: http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/p/2012-to-z-challenge-sign-up-list.html However, this isn’t the only blog challenge out there. Do your research and find a future challenge you may be interested in or start your own. If you do start your own challenge, please leave a comment here and I’ll look into being apart of your challenge as well. The A to Z Challenge has been around for 3 years now and seems to be pretty popular. Click here for the blog hop list for 2013. To give you an indication of how many blogs are participating thus far, this blog is number 1604. All may not start, keep with it long or finish but this is an interesting challenge nonetheless and I accept!! I hope you enjoy the content I come up with during the challenge. As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!! Wish me luck. 😉

Ask Sha’ re Joint Accounts

Question: Should I and my fiancé combine our bank accounts and only have accounts in both of our name?

Answer: The answer may be deeper than you think. Some people (mostly women) think that once you are married that you share and combine everything. Some even get upset, even to the point of feeling betrayed if you have a Netflix account that they can’t access. There are those people (mostly men) who feel that just because you’re married that you do not have to give up individual aspects of your life. These people see no reason to share everything as long as they are sharing their life. Problem with that thought is the aforementioned type of person may feel having individual anything is NOT sharing your life. I think the best answer is you need to discuss this in more detail with your fiancé. See where she stands and if you don’t agree then discuss your reasons. If no one can be swayed to the other side, then come up with a compromise. It seems as simple as a bank account but it can leave you saying…..”everything was great just yesterday, what happened?” SUCH IS LIFE.

Ask Sha’ re Nice Guys

Question: I’m tired of trying and starting not to care. Do nice guys really always finish last?

Answer:  Maybe as a “nice guy” you are giving more than is being invested in you in return. You simply have to qualify the people in your life for what you have to give of yourself.  Those special things about you aren’t meant to go to everyone or just any one.  Also as a “nice guy” be sure you aren’t romanticizing situations to be what you’d like them to be versus what they really are (i.e. just because you want a girlfriend doesn’t mean every girl that interacts with you is willing to be your girlfriend).

What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

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by Sha’  (www.YURImagazine.com Lifestyles Tab, Holiday 2011)

            It’s the holiday season and some of my sisters are lonely.  Some of my sisters are impatient and tired of not having a man!  They are tired of seeing couples snuggle up as they shop for gifts together.  They are tired of couples feeding each other when dining out.  Everyone seems to be happy and with a man, everyone but them.  So why are they alone?  Where is their boo?

             How many times have you heard, everything happens for a reason?  Well what exactly is the reason so many women are alone?  What if the reason was simpler than you thought?  I challenge my single sisters to combat their loneliness with selfishness!  Stop focusing on what you don’t have and focus on what you do have.  Focus on YOU!  Be selfish and do all the things you want to do.  Go shopping without explaining the value of the purchase or without sneaking your purchases into the house to avoid explaining them.  Eat and complain about it without having to hear someone tell you to do something about it instead of just complaining.  Be naked with the lights on!  All the things you have to compromise on when you are with a man…be selfish and do them your way!

             Avoid situations that exacerbate your feelings of loneliness.  It’s okay to not spend a lot of time around your friends that are coupled off.  It’s okay to digress from conversations with over bearing people about why you STILL don’t have a man.  Replace those situations with single friendly situations.  Skip dinner with your couple friends and date yourself at that new restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Instead of sitting at a table or booth…head for the bar!

             For goodness sake take a break from the love movies and feeding the fantasy of the knight in shining armor.  Unrealistic views of how you’ll meet a man, what his appearance should be or what type of personality he’ll have are more damaging than anything else.  What we have in our minds as how things are supposed to be can do more to keep us alone than a shortage of men.

             Being single is not the worse thing in the world.  Use the time you are given alone to get to know better and spoil yourself.  I am by no means proposing that you stay single forever.  But think about it, there is nothing like a woman that knows how to treat herself to better identify how she is supposed to be treated by a man.  A woman who knows who she is can better recognize what kind of man is more compatible with her.  Finally a woman who spoils herself will expect nothing less from a mate.

             What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They do just what they want to do!

             Think you are ready to get back on the horse and start dating again?  Well first things first.  Date for fun and not just for a life partner.  That guy that wants to take you out but you don’t like his teeth, let him take you to a movie.  It gives you something to do and you can’t see his teeth in the dark.  A long time ago, women used to “date for dinner”.  They would go out with men for the purpose of dining out and being social.  They would sharpen their conversation skills and knowledge of current events.  They knew the value of dating for skills sake.  They honed their dating aptitude to seamlessly transfer these talents to a someone special.

             I absolutely am not suggesting women not have standards.  It is great to have standards.  Standards should steer us in the right direction of what we are looking for in a mate and be a guide.  However standards should not narrow your pool of potential mates to nil.  Make sure you realize what is behind your standards.  I have a friend who listed among her standards that a man not have children and be a nurse, as she is a nurse.  Those are some VERY specific standards that knock out volumes of men from her consideration.  When asked why she had those particular standards, she responded that she didn’t want baby momma drama and she wanted her mate to be able to go on travel nursing assignments with her.  I pointed out to her that maybe her standard should be to have a mate that handles his business with his children and their mother in such a way that it doesn’t cause conflict, rather than a mate with no children at all.  The problem is neither the children nor the children’s mother.  The problem is clearly a lack of boundaries on the part of the mate.  As far as a fellow nurse to travel with her on assignments, I reminded her that other professions allow for long travel periods.  The roofing business slows down in the winter.  A roofer could travel with her in his off season.  A writer doesn’t have any ties to a location and could easily travel as often as she liked.  Sometimes closing in on specific traits lead to a closed mind and closed opportunities.

             Be proactive in your efforts to be available and get yourself out there for potential mates.  Wipe that frown off your face and replace it with a smile.  If you don’t seem approachable then why would anyone approach you?  What does your walk say about you?  A confident alluring walk can do wonders for getting you noticed.  Get a full length mirror and practice walking toward it.  You don’t have to be a model, just don’t be Big Foot.  Stop worrying about the things about your physical appearance that you can’t change in an instant.  Accentuate the positive and hide the flaws.  If you have no butt but a nice rack, then wear a top that shows your cleavage and wear pants that have pockets.

 What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They prepare themselves to potentially not be lonely next Christmas.

Ask Sha’ re Define Love

Question: How do I know when it’s love?

Answer: Ahhhhh. A question a lot of people want the answer to and that has a lot of answers in response. In short, I believe love can be differentiated from strong like and lust by the need to be with someone despite their flaws, mistakes, their past, etc… but more importantly despite how much they’ve hurt you. Mix in the need to sacrifce to make or keep that person whole and you have some pretty good indicators of love. It isn’t he good times that determines love, it’s during and the aftermath of the not so good times.

Of course, love is cultivated when these things are returned

Ask Sha’ re: sex drive

Question:   Im only 29 and no where near as horny as I used to be 😦  …impossible for me to get 3 in now. What’s up with that?

Answer:      I am not a medical doctor. However barring any medical reasons, I’d just say that sort of thing comes with age for most men. Now is the time to start putting more energy into your foreplay.  Make it your goal to make her cum once from your foreplay alone and then once from the actual penetration, that way if or when you make it to two nuts for you…. it is just icing on the cake for her.

Do you have a question or a topic you’d like to get a female point of view on? Use the form below to anonymously ask it and if you’re question is chosen, I’ll answer it here.