If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.
Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head. Your significant other should have this and be that. If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs. That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome. Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list. Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list? There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.
If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference). In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience. Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.
If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game. Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle. Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change. Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards. All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with. Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.
As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!
Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering. Men handle them differently than women. As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner. As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things. As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended. The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.
Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever. The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate. It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life. Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything. You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.
So where can you turn for closure? Turn to yourself. Closure always has and always will come from within. You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc… Stop calling him. Stop waiting for him. Stop Facebook stalking him. YOU decide. YOU have the power. YOU give yourself closure.
As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!
I didn’t get a question. It was a comment. I will cut and paste it, as not to misquote:
men commit to relationships wwwaaay more serious than women…youre just spewing the normal feminist propaganda bullshit..
First, I’d like to ask, who threw-up in your Cheerios sweetie? Second, I can only assume you were referring to the recent post 5 Men Single Women Should #AtThesameDayumTime and the line that went “Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.” Clearly you didn’t catch that I said women FEEL it’s hard to get a man to commit. Despite your mistaken comprehension of my post, let’s talk more anyway. You were kind enough to add a YouTube video to your correspondence. I have embedded the video below to oblige your need for cross marketing for it from that audience to mine. 😉 I don’t know if you are the video author of this clip or simply a fanatic of it because you didn’t disclose. I’ll simply call you Mr. IP Address: 18.104.22.168. The video starts by defining a woman attempting to persuade a man of her desires as “gyno-speak”. I assume the reference was a play on words as related to gynecology. I’m sure you thought that was as cute as I thought calling a dick the name Richard was cute in my post. To each his own on that point. The video goes on to label a commitment as a man giving up his freedom and a woman using “shaming” language to accomplish this goal. It then continues on a tyriad about men not being commitment-phobes but being labeled as such by women who want to induce “domestic slavery”. I apologize to you for stopping at the 3:53 point of the 12:09 video but I’d heard quite enough to back my initial opinion that you clearly misunderstood my post you lovingly labeled as “feminist propaganda bullshit”. However, I did surmise a few more points for you even having only heard about 1/3 of your recommended media delivered in a condescendingly robotic voice.
I never said men were commitment-phobes. I said they are selective and don’t easily settle for less than what they want. I then advised women to follow suit.
Every woman doesn’t want a commitment.
The video is a negative person speaking from a negative point of view probably not realizing that is the very state that lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy of attracting negativity. I believe the saying goes, “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I’ll translate it to apply here: if you expect that every woman that wants to be exclusive with you is inducting you into domestic slavery with vagina speak, then that is what you will attract.
I want to thank you so much for sharing. YOUR thought process is the exact thought process of a man that looks for woman to audition to earn your focus; regardless of your qualifications (or lack thereof ) for that focus. Thus proving the need for the original point of my advice………..ladies, qualify men (and friends, family, etc…) for your precious time and hearts.