Physical Attractiveness: An Important Overlooked Point of Steve Harvey’s Experiment

I take lunch late at work every day. Why? Because it’s like having two breaks when you’re at your desk in peace when everyone else is at lunch and when they return, you leave for lunch. Plus a late lunch brings you closer to going home when you get back to work. On my late lunch breaks I usually catch part of Steve Harvey’s talk show. I love watching that show, partially because I just love watching Steve do his thang. I’ve been a fan since he only did stand up and came to the Stardome in Birmingham, Alabama once a year.

SHatStardome

Anywho… On one show in particular, he had a set of twins on there that had problems finding a man. Y’all know this is Steve’s focus these days; helping women navigate the waters of dating men. As this is my forte’ as well, I often sit high and decide if I agree with his advice or not. Well, I’m sorry to report that I finally found an episode with dating advice that I don’t wholly agree with.

twins

Basically during this episode the twins were revealed to be led mostly by physical attraction when deciding on whether they wanted to continue dating a guy. The guys chosen for the dates were clearly not attractive by average standards. However, they had other great qualities.

the dates

The biggest problem I found with the date is that when the twins realized they were not physically attracted to the guys, they begin to focus their line of questioning on materialistic things. In fact, the questions were rather rude.

On Steve’s show after the date, the men revealed themselves to not only have some great qualities AND THEY WERE FINE TOO!

dude reveal

Now the rest of the show really focused on how unattractive people can have very attractive qualities and therefore should be given consideration. I agree to find the one for you that they should have more than just physical attractiveness. However, the one for you should have good qualities AS WELL AS be attractive to you.  Let me be clear, the one for you can be packaged well and have substance. If you are patient, you can wait to have both. If you qualify, then you will have both. Now if you don’t have what it takes to appeal to who you are attracted to then you may have to either be more patient than most or consider someone with fewer things on your list of must haves. I will be the first to admit that the twins were cute but that old Barbie doll hair weave they had may just be a turnoff to the perfection in a mate they seek. But I don’t think they should just put down the physical qualities they are attracted to just to get a good guy. Good guys can be attractive too. If you want one, have patience and find one!

Here’s the link to that segment of the show. At about 4:06 is when the guys reveal their true selves.

As always, I ask that you share your opinion or debate mine. Have at it in the comments.

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Dude Where’s YOUR Valentine’s Day Gift?

February has 29 days this year, this happens about every four years. It’s Leap Year!!!!! With it, comes a Valentine’s Day tradition: women are to focus on and court men, instead of the other way around. Just as most years she wants her gift and expects a big deal to be made about your love for her, why shouldn’t you expect the same during this special year.  It should all be about appreciating your mate and not materialism. For the purposes of this post, mate will be used as to not leave out the “it’s complicated” nature of today’s relationships. However, it does not refer to physical relationships. If you didn’t actually date each other before Vday, then the notion of the holiday probably won’t change that fact.

But if your mate is someone who cares about you, then why wouldn’t every opportunity be taken to make you feel valued? It is true that people who truly care about one another don’t need a reason nor a holiday to show it. But why not use it to kick things up a notch? It’s Leap Year. You’re the man. Why not have expectations of your woman to recognize you during this time?

So what’d you get?

Your answer should not be the “n” word….NOTHING.  Firstly Vday usually comes after another unofficial holiday season, the income tax refund. If you can’t save a little of that child tax credit to purchase your sweetie something nice, then just go ahead and break up!!! The truth is, it doesn’t take a lot of money to show someone you care and in some instances; it doesn’t take any money at all. It is the thought that counts, however you have to put that thinking cap on. Not spending money means you have to spend more brain power.

a nice handmade card

a CD with songs that remind her of you or one that helps her “ride the beat”

 

homemade chocolate covered strawberries

created “love” coupons for you to redeem for various sexual favors

even a personalized message detailing how she feels about you

Needless to say, a little thought can go a long way. What’s most important is that you feel like the true gift is a woman that cares enough to show you that she cares. There is always a lot of talk about there not being good men. A bigger problem is that a lot of good men don’t feel appreciated. You’re not a bad guy, now stand up and require to be appreciated. Your mate can only get back what they put in. Selfishness is a relationship killer. Anyone requiring more of you than they are willing to give will use you up. Anyone not recognizing you on this day that only comes around for an Olympic span of time, is also of the school of thought that a man is supposed to bring more to the table than a woman.

Me, me, me!!! She’s the same type of woman that would expect you to make her happy rather than being responsible for her own happiness and complimenting yours.  She’s the same woman that would go shopping instead of paying the bills because how people think of her counts more than how you think of her. If your woman can’t find a way to make you feel special on this day, then maybe you need to get rid of that problem to give yourself time to find someone who will. There are a lot of cold hearted women out there but every now and then, among them you find someone that stands out.

Quickie: Why Do People Cheat?

Why Do People Cheat?… an exert from The Talk with DK and Sha’ Thursday Nights at 8 pm EST on Blab. Want to hear the rest of the conversation? Follow @DKWalker1 and @Sha_iWrite on Blab and go listen to the replay of Cheating: It’s YOUR Fault. #TheTalkDKandSha

 

Something Worse Than The Friend Zone

 It’s like you’ve known her forever and she even shares her inner secrets with you. She’s sooooo comfortable around you that she’s herself, no frontin’. You’ve even seen her without makeup and kicked it with her on her bad hair days.  When you’re watching a movie she’ll lay cuddled up under you and may even tilt her head to your shoulder. She trusts you to stay in the other room while she changes clothes and may even streak half naked passed the door way.

Whenever she has guy trouble, it feels like you are her first stop to discuss it and she even thinks out loud about how the guys she dates should be more like you. You wonder if she likes you “like that” because sometimes she’s hot and sometimes she’s cold. She has to like you because the two of you spend time together, right? She almost kissed you in the mouth the last time she gave you a peck to thank you for the money you let her “borrow”. Maybe you just have to figure out the right approach… OR maybe you are in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE!!

     I have news for you. You WISH you were in the friend zone. What you are is the boyfriend substitute. At least in the friend zone she’d offer up some of her female friends as a possible love connection. As the boyfriend substitute, she does everything in her power to block any happenings between you and her female friends. She wants you all to herself; she wants you to be free when she wants you. She wants to be able to break the glass in a boyfriend emergency and be able to use you for all the things she would a boyfriend… if she still had one.

     As a guy, you’re probably thinking of it as an opportunity you can turn into more with just a little persistence. It’s possible, it happens. But that is the exception and not the rule! Sure you can be her Jacob when Edward decides to pick up and leave (Twilight Movie reference).

She’ll immerse you with her time and you’ll seem to get closer and closer. Dinners, movies, get-togethers, family functions, you’ve been everywhere together! Car problems, money problems, personal problems, you’ve been through a lot together! After all you’ve always heard the best relationships come from close friendships. DUDE WAKE UP!!!! She needs you so she won’t think of him or need him. It’s only a matter of time before she either gets back with her Ex or finds her next. If she were into you, she’d have made it abundantly clear by now. She’s only blurring the lines of friendship because it suits her. Basically she’s spending time with you while she’s biding her time for someone else. And if you are telling yourself that she’s had a boyfriend before and come back to you, so that’s proof that you’re destine to be together… MAN LOOK, stop simpin’.  You and this female probably will never been together like that. She’s just not that into you!! Don’t believe me? Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does she introduce you as her friend, stressing the word “friend”, when around family and friends?
  • Do you get the “lol” or “:)” or the like after sending her that “Good morning beautiful” text message?
  • Does she pull back, when you try to get sexual?
  • Does she always tell you she’s glad you guys are friends?

Any of those questions alone, don’t mean much BUT answering yes to more than one tells a different story.  Stop wasting time to figure out ways to get her to want you as more than a friend.

Instead, be cognizant of where you spend your time and energy. Don’t invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in you. Think you can win her over with just a little more effort? I’ll just watch and it’ll be just like another movie I saw once…

Relationship laundry list or being happy with your choice?

If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.

Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head.  Your significant other should have this and be that.  If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs.  That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome.  Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list.  Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list?  There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.

mordor

If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference).  In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience.  Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.

If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game.  Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle.  Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change.  Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards.  All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with.  Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Need Closure For Your Old Relationship…. Zipper Anyone?!?!

Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering.  Men handle them differently than women.  As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner.  As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things.  As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended.  The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.

zipper

Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever.  The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate.  It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life.  Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything.  You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.

So where can you turn for closure?  Turn to yourself.  Closure always has and always will come from within.  You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc…  Stop calling him.  Stop waiting for him.  Stop Facebook stalking him.  YOU decide.  YOU have the power.  YOU give yourself closure.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

The New 80/20 Rule

 by Sha’  (Y.U.R.I. Magazine, Fall 2011 Edition)

     When speaking of the 80/20 rule, most envision the ever popular scene from Why Did I Get Married?  In that scene, a discussion is had among the husbands on the retreat, in which two of the husbands reveal their infidelities.  Within that discussion the age old adage of the 80/20 rule is explained.  The rule is based on the Parento Principle but adapted to marriage and relationships.  As adapted, the rule states that within a relationship a person will only get 80% of their wants and needs fulfilled from the person in which they are involved.  While having a grip on that 80%, ever so often someone comes along outside of the relationship possessing what is felt to be the missing 20% from your current involvement.  Often the 20% is praised, focused on and even preferred to the point of defection.  BAM!  The 80% is traded in for the 20%, only for the trader to realize later that the 20% alone.  This makes for a popular relationship mistake.

     I venture to introduce a new 80/20 perspective.  When leaving a relationship, people tend to spotlight what they did not receive during its tenure.  Filling that void is top on the list when interacting with potential new mates.  If the Ex didn’t spend enough time with that person, then the first attribute they evaluate about the potential mate is that he/she has time in abundance.  That person may have had 80% of everything else they needed or wanted out of the old relationship, but quality and quantity of time wasn’t accounted for within that percentage.  Now, time is a key component of the missing 20% in the must-have traits of the next mate…doing so down plays the 80% that encompassed other needed and desired characteristics by the old mate.  Treating the 20% as important is expected, however treating it as most important can lead to disaster.  Finding a mate with a wealth of time to spend as the focal point of the search can guide the searcher down a path of ignoring WHY the potential mate may have so much time to spend.  What if you are falling heart first for someone who has a lot of time because they refuse to hold a job?  If so, that negative trait may go undetected or simply be ignored just to fill the emptiness and feed a need for more time.  Knowing the qualities you need to compliment your happiness is smart.  Knowing the hierarchy of qualities you need to compliment your happiness likely exists in groups, rather than single traits, is smarter.

 1. quality time

2. honesty

3. hard working

4. sense of humor

5. considerate

6. light skinned

7. tall

     Listing traits in a single line (and even numbering them as seen above), leads one to think of each trait as a ranked item.  Rather than thinking singular, the thought process should be more geared toward a cluster perspective.  Much like the food group pyramid taught in nutrition classes, certain traits go together in importance and others together in less importance.  But “together” is the key.

tall,  light skinned

quality time,  sense of humor

honesty,  hard working,  considerate

     With core traits as the foundation, we take the same list and arrange it in a group hierarchy rather than a linear one (as seen above).  Time may have been a factor in the demise of the former relationship. However, based on the example it is clear you cannot search for time in your next mate without ensuring they also possess honesty, consideration and are hard working.  It is clear that a collection of traits with different degrees of importance are needed to compliment your happiness.  A solitary trait will not lead to the success of a relationship; therefore singular traits should not be sought after with the vigor of a crusade.  Instead of using the straw that broke the camel’s back as the lone important ‘gotta have’ item for risking your heart, simply adding it to the pool of traits collected through trial and error of life elicits more success.

     Pursuits of perfection can sometimes over shadow the less than perfect, but needed, things in life.  Vying toward what is not in possession, while not maintaining or considering what IS in possession, usually plays out like the misdirection in magic.  The big picture is missed due to a small portion being a focal point.  Trade in the microscope for a pair of glasses so you can see more of the full picture that will bring you success.  Always keep the totality of your percentage in mind.  If the goal is truly getting as close to 100% as possible, then building on the 80% is needed.

     The grass isn’t always greener on the other side BUT it is always greener where you water it.  But that’s a statement for another article.

Ask Sha’ re Feminist Propaganda bullsh!t

I didn’t get a question. It was a comment. I will cut and paste it, as not to misquote:

men commit to relationships wwwaaay more serious than women…youre just spewing the normal feminist propaganda bullshit..

First, I’d like to ask, who threw-up in your Cheerios sweetie?  Second, I can only assume you were referring to the recent post 5 Men Single Women Should #AtThesameDayumTime and the line that went “Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.” Clearly you didn’t catch that I said women FEEL it’s hard to get a man to commit. Despite your mistaken comprehension of my post, let’s talk more anyway. You were kind enough to add a YouTube video to your correspondence. I have embedded the video below  to oblige your need for cross marketing for it from that audience to mine. 😉 I don’t know if you are the video author of this clip or simply a fanatic of it because you didn’t disclose. I’ll simply call you Mr. IP Address: 71.82.15.93.  The video starts by defining a woman attempting to persuade a man of her desires as “gyno-speak”. I assume the reference was a play on words as related to gynecology. I’m sure you thought that was as cute as I thought calling a dick the name Richard was cute in my post. To each his own on that point.  The video goes on to label a commitment as a man giving up his freedom and a woman using “shaming” language to accomplish this goal. It then continues on a tyriad about men not being commitment-phobes but being labeled as such by women who want to induce “domestic slavery”.  I apologize to you for stopping at the 3:53  point of the 12:09 video but I’d heard quite enough to back my initial opinion that you clearly misunderstood my post you lovingly labeled as “feminist propaganda bullshit”. However, I did surmise a few more points for you even having only heard about 1/3 of your recommended media delivered in a condescendingly robotic voice.

  • I never said men were commitment-phobes. I said they are selective and don’t easily settle for less than what they want. I then advised women to follow suit.
  • Every woman doesn’t want a commitment.
  • The video is a negative person speaking from a negative point of view probably not realizing that is the very state that lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy of attracting negativity. I believe the saying goes, “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I’ll translate it to apply here: if you expect that every woman that wants to be exclusive with you is inducting you into domestic slavery with vagina speak, then that is what you will attract.

I want to thank you so much for sharing. YOUR thought process is the exact thought process of a man that looks for woman to audition to earn your focus; regardless of your qualifications (or lack thereof ) for that focus. Thus proving the need for the original point of my advice………..ladies, qualify men (and friends, family, etc…) for your precious time and hearts.

5 Men a Single Woman Should Date….#AtTheSameDayumTime

DISCLAIMER:  Forgive me for the hash tag abuse, I am mightily aware that the purpose of hash tags is to group together like posts on Twitter and now Instagram.  However, for the past few years hash tags have been abused on Facebook as a way to emphasize apart of your status.  I’ve embraced the latter and have done so here. 😉

Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.  I beg the question: why isn’t it harder for women to commit?  It’s only a matter of making a simple decision: don’t try to make the one you’re with, The One.  Instead learn what your One looks like, feels like, handles business like, etc…. and hold auditions.  Oh you didn’t realize that is what most men have most women doing?  And why not?  I mean companies interview for jobs using requirements and performance expectations.  Who’s fault is it that you are so willing to work with what you have in a man when you meet him rather than continue to see who would be a better fit?

While a woman is single, she should be greedy and selfish.  It should be all about her when she’s dealing with men that she dates.  Dating and being single should be fun.  Compromise and understanding is for relationships and if you aren’t in one…  Get the picture?  Too often women are trying to be a girlfriend without having been given the title.  All too willing to be considered rather than be the one doing the considering.

Barbara-Bradford_taylor-Etiquette-To_Please-Him

Stop interviewing for the girlfriend job and hold your own interviews for the job of being your boyfriend!  It’s all about knowing your value and doing your part to accept nothing less than what you deserve.  “Some people are the kind of people to go into a bank like what do I have to do to get this loan and others walk into a bank like what are you willing to do to get my business“.  That’s a quote by author John Wolfe.  Although he wasn’t talking about relationships, it still applies.  Are you the kind of woman that will start with a man seeing what you can do for him or are you the kind of woman that will start with a man making sure he can do what you need done for you?  The latter usually ends up with a greater amount of happiness with her choice.

Who are these five men a woman should look for in her interview processes?  Ben, Stan, E, Richard and Mo.

Ben is a BENefactor.  When he comes into your life, he upgrades it.  A man is a provider and if he is not providing for you then be clear that your relationship will be off balance.  It’s such a natural instinct for man that if he isn’t providing for you, then you can almost bet there is someone else he is providing for in lieu of you.  Providing can be using his contacts, his resources and/or his money.  I don’t encourage you to be a gold digger, just don’t entertain a broke……. Well, you know what Kanye West said, no need in me finishing the statement.

Stan is underSTANding.  He takes the time to find out who you are and what makes you happy.  He can tell by your voice that you’ve had a rough day and responds to your need to relax.  He gets you.  He knows exactly how you will react in certain situations.  You sometimes communicate without even saying a word.  He keeps you positive when you’re being negative.  He is your comfort zone.

E is Entertaining.  You work hard and you should play hard, so who better to play with?  His purpose is to bring balance to your life.  He’s fun and always “on”.  With him it’s all about a good time, whether you go out or stay in.  He caters to your adventurous side and reminds you that life is supposed to be exciting.

Richard is good in bed (some of you will get how the name relates later, if not email me and I’ll tell you the inside joke).  He sexes you upside the wall, just the way you need it.  He makes sure you get yours….twice….before he climaxes.  He is all about pleasing you because he realizes that will translate into him being pleased too.  From a romantic Don Juan to a Christian Grey, he gives you ecstasy just the way you like it.

Mo is the role MOdel.  He is important whether you have children right now or you plan to have them in the future.  From the outside looking in, he is to be your definition of a man.  Other guys respect him but women want their sons to be like him and their daughter to marry someone like him.

Sometimes each of these type of men are not in five separate men.  Your Ben may also be your E or your Stan may also be your Richard and your Mo.  It doesn’t matter when you’re single, just make sure you have each in your life.  When you get good at identifying each of these men and you’re ready to settle down, then your auditions should be geared toward finding one candidate that has the combination of the five that you need to compliment your particular happiness.

tumblr_ma7fqm5cys1rewoj9o1_500

No one is perfect and I’d venture to say that a single man fitting all five types, would be hard to find.  Decide what’s important to you and find HIM.  After you’ve found him and BOTH of you are committed, then you have responsibilities to make sure you compliment his happiness by fulfilling his needs and wants too.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

30-60-90 Days: There is a Grace Period to Win Her Back

     So you had an argument and it’s really bad this time, huh? It was so bad, she says it’s over and it’s your fault. Let’s face it, it’ll always be your fault. Before you give up, make-up….you’ve still got time…

     If a woman has feelings for you, then she can’t just turn those feelings off like a switch. It takes time for her to disconnect and move on….no matter how big of a douche you were. It’s a process. 30-60-90 days, nahhhhhhh there isn’t a magic number that pertains to every woman. There are too many variables that directly correspond with how deep her connection to you could be: years of association, level of commitment, sexual compatiblity, how bad you hurt her, how many times you’ve hurt her, etc… All those things and more determine how deeply she’s into you thus how long it will take her to close the door on the chapter of her life that is you.

     If you want her back, the good news is there is a grace period. For what you ask? A grace period in which it is highly possible you can get her back. Regardless of the influence from her friends who never liked you and even regardless of the guys that try to hit on her; if you act quickly enough, with just the right amount of effort,  SHE CAN BE YOURS AGAIN!!!!

     Not only is the grace period about connection depth, it’s also about fantasy and dreams. A woman has been fed both, most of her life. She may have gotten it from her mom’s account of how love goes, Disney’s all-you-need-is-a-song-in-your-heart influence or the romantic comedies she’s always forcing you to watch with her where the asshole dude turned romantic gets the girl.  Whichever the case may be, almost every woman wants a man that will fight for her. If she runs away, she wants him to run after her. More particularly, she wants her man to fight for the “us” that is she and he. If she is running away, she’s probably looking behind her to see where you are.

     How do you maximize the grace period? EFFORT!!! In the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Kate Hudson chooses Matthew McConaughey for the express purpose of breaking up with him. She started off as her normal, cool self to lure him in, then she turns into this crazed girlfriend. She basically tortured him with all the female faux pas to get him to leave.

She cried at the drop of a hat, with no sane reason as the cause.

She bought a plant for him to take care of, called it their “love fern” then totally went left, psycho style when he let it die.

She even went as far as to name his private parts Princess Sofia using a baby voice.

As you can image, a man can only take so much before he snaps. Matthew blows up, Kate dumps him as planned. Enter the unplanned!! He offers couple’s therapy. They go spend time with his family. Effort, effort, effort! Yada, yada, yada! He ends up getting the girl.

Effort! It isn’t always what you did wrong that ends a relationship. Most often, it is the lack of real effort to fix the wrong that equals its finality. You may not have the solution to the problem between you BUT your willingness to work toward a solution will not go unnoticed, within a relationship that is still in the grace period. Your status may not immediately snap back into place, however your effort will keep her heart open to you and you can eventually get there.

If you mess it up, put in work to fix it and do it as sincerely as possible, as soon as possible.