Can You Stand The Rain?

 When it’s good….mannnnnnnnnnnn it’s great. But when it’s bad….are you ready to bail? When I refer to can you stand the rain, I’m not talking about that sexy rain that makes crotches get slid to the side.

I’m not even talking about the kind of rain that you get drenched in but you’ll dry off and be no worse for wear. Well you may get the sniffles but you don’t feel death at your door.

I’m talking about the kind of rain that comes with names like Katrina!

Yeah, really bad storms in your relationship. The kind of messed-upness that when it comes, it makes you wish for a Rip Van Winkle sleep so it will be completely over when you wake up!!!

            You and your girl have been getting along. You hung up your Playa Card and endured the epic slander that is your boys saying she’s got you whipped because you’ve settled down a little.  It’s not marriage, but maybe one day… You’ve seen her without make-up and even on the days she wouldn’t dare let anyone else see her.

Somehow you still didn’t run away. You two have even had your share of arguments that ended in the best of make-up sex. This girl has got to be the one “or you’re caught in the Matrix” (thanks Jay-Z). In a word, you’re happy! Then it happens BOOM! The fight that has Hiroshima’d how things were and now you’re not so sure of how things will be anymore. That fight that brings about the need for a time machine because things were great just yesterday. You feel like if you could just get passed this, everything would be fine BUT for now

The first thing you have to understand, nobody EVER got over something by stopping. When you can’t get around it, you get over something by going through it to get to the other side. The first thing you have to do when things calm down a little, is fight fair. Apologize for any needlessly hurtful things you said during Round 1 but don’t do it to get an apology from her.  Do it because you didn’t mean to hurt her. Most men think women are simply too sensitive but sometimes, men are just too insensitive. She’s your girl because you felt she was the best choice from the pool of singles you had to choose from what was out there. If she’s not like them, then you can’t treat her like them. You actually care about her, show it when it counts.

             Second, realize that if she’s responding to you then that’s a good thing. If she is talking, then she’s still trying to work on the relationship with you. You may get a silent treatment at first. Think about some of the things you said, do you deserve the silent treatment for a little bit? If she wants to work through it, she’ll soon come off the silence.

             Thirdly, talking is great but you want to turn talking into communicating. A part of communicating includes actually listening to what the other person has to say. Another part is taking the time to make sure you UNDERSTAND what that person is trying to say, what point they are trying to get across. Sometimes you could be saying the same thing but because you didn’t use the right words that person needed to hear to get it… miscommunication ensues.

 Real communication involves speaking without offending and listening without defending. – @DarkSkin

 No one can really tell you WHAT to say to get things on track but how about a game plan on HOW to say them. I’ll paraphrase a quote that gives you the sentiment of how to handle it: each time you discuss instead of demand, you strengthen your relationship. Same goes for speaking with respect instead of sarcasm, and listening instead of dismissing, and engaging instead discharging.

             Finally, if communication is the key, then action is what gets the door open after it is unlocked. Once a compromise is reached, you have to take steps to implement the plan that the two of you agreed upon. If it sounded better as theory but the application doesn’t quite work for you, then bring it back to the table for discussion. Remember you had an agreement, don’t change what you decided together for something you decided alone.

 Do the work and you could start to see the rainbow and leave the storm behind.

 You could always just decide forget it all and get back in the dating pool. But let’s just be honest, she was your best choice when you were in the single area before.  You have changed and not just anyone will accept your protruding nipples with a straight face. Besides…

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May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor… (Female Rivalry)

Did it start before high school?  I’m not sure but at some point in some girls’ lives they liked a boy and that boy liked another girl.  Instead of finding a boy that likes her, what does she do… dislike the girl that was chosen.  Female rivalry, sadly it’s alive and well among women of all ages.

It’s clear to everyone but her, the problem is NOT with the other woman but with her man.  Why is it so easy to blame another woman for the short comings of your man’s promises to you?  Why dislike someone you don’t know just because they’ve caught the eye of your sweetheart and become relevant?  Some women simply find it easier to blame the other woman than to require change from their man.  Instead of holding him accountable for his actions, they engage in a laundry list of behaviors:

  • stalking the other woman’s social media
  • getting the other woman’s contact information from their man’s phone
  • calling the other woman to announce yourself as his
  • commenting negatively about the other woman for all the world to see on your social media
  • confronting the other woman however she can

 All those behaviors and more while your man comforts the other woman and tells her YOU are just crazy.  What do you gain besides everybody in your business and still as loyal as ever to him?

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Hunting down other women because they gain the favor of your man is like playing the Hunger Games.  You hope to shoot down every other woman in the running and end up as the last one.  Your strategy is flawed.  The problem is, you don’t have enough ammunition (and sometimes not even the right ammunition) to get rid of all the competition.  The problem is not the competition, the problem is the man placing you within a competition and you are helping HIM to win.  You see now he gets to have you and all the others he chooses to indulge in.  And if two or a few of you fight over him, then he gets even more.  He gets the best of you and the best of them because that’s what people in a competition give….their best.  He gains all the reward and everyone else involved gains a never-ending fight to be on top.

What should you do if you find yourself with a man giving you broken promises and showing affections toward another woman?  You should blame no one but him and decide if you want to share or wish him well.  You should know that what he doesn’t give you another man will and not be afraid to let go if that’s what you want.  You should know if you choose to stay then he need not enjoy exclusivity from you either.  You should know that another woman is NOT responsible for the upkeep of your connection to your man.  You should expect more from yourself than petty antics that still won’t get you what you want.  You should know to value yourself enough not to be immature and instead be and handle things intelligently.

Of course all of this is about another woman who is a stranger to you.  If the other woman is a family member or a friend…

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As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

2014 A to Z Blog Challenge

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Hey people. I haven’t blogged in a while and this challenge has come just in time to get me back in the habit. I first discovered this blog challenge last year.  I accepted and survived the challenge, posting every day but Sundays for the entire month of April. You may wonder where my posts are from last year. Well surprise, surprise I used my hard work from last year to publish a book: The ABC’s of Relationships: An Alphabetical Look Into Relationships available on Amazon.com as a Kindle eBook. You can find it HERE. The creator of this great challenge, Arlee Bird of  Tossing It Out, was gracious enough to even write the forward for my book. Some of my favorite comments from various blog posts even made it into my book as well (with permission, of course).

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If you’ve taken time to look around my blog, you will see (if you didn’t figure it out from the name…DUH) it is primarily about relationships.  The focus is mostly on relationships of a romantic nature but some posts can be applied to your interpersonal relationships with friends, family, etc..  That brings to be what my A to Z Challenge theme will be this year: relationship with self.  This year I am writing about how to have a better relationship with yourself, one alphabet at a time.

The relationship YOU have with YOU sets the tone for the relationships you have with other people.  Some thoughts will overlap in different posts at times, after all life is connected.

I invite you to take this journey with me into self.  It is my hope that by the time we reach Z, you will know how to be the best YOU that YOU can be.

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