Need Closure For Your Old Relationship…. Zipper Anyone?!?!

Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering.  Men handle them differently than women.  As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner.  As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things.  As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended.  The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.

Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever.  The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate.  It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life.  Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything.  You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.

So where can you turn for closure?  Turn to yourself.  Closure always has and always will come from within.  You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc…  Stop calling him.  Stop waiting for him.  Stop Facebook stalking him.  YOU decide.  YOU have the power.  YOU give yourself closure.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

The New 80/20 Rule

 by Sha’  (Y.U.R.I. Magazine, Fall 2011 Edition)

     When speaking of the 80/20 rule, most envision the ever popular scene from Why Did I Get Married?  In that scene, a discussion is had among the husbands on the retreat, in which two of the husbands reveal their infidelities.  Within that discussion the age old adage of the 80/20 rule is explained.  The rule is based on the Parento Principle but adapted to marriage and relationships.  As adapted, the rule states that within a relationship a person will only get 80% of their wants and needs fulfilled from the person in which they are involved.  While having a grip on that 80%, ever so often someone comes along outside of the relationship possessing what is felt to be the missing 20% from your current involvement.  Often the 20% is praised, focused on and even preferred to the point of defection.  BAM!  The 80% is traded in for the 20%, only for the trader to realize later that the 20% alone.  This makes for a popular relationship mistake.

     I venture to introduce a new 80/20 perspective.  When leaving a relationship, people tend to spotlight what they did not receive during its tenure.  Filling that void is top on the list when interacting with potential new mates.  If the Ex didn’t spend enough time with that person, then the first attribute they evaluate about the potential mate is that he/she has time in abundance.  That person may have had 80% of everything else they needed or wanted out of the old relationship, but quality and quantity of time wasn’t accounted for within that percentage.  Now, time is a key component of the missing 20% in the must-have traits of the next mate…doing so down plays the 80% that encompassed other needed and desired characteristics by the old mate.  Treating the 20% as important is expected, however treating it as most important can lead to disaster.  Finding a mate with a wealth of time to spend as the focal point of the search can guide the searcher down a path of ignoring WHY the potential mate may have so much time to spend.  What if you are falling heart first for someone who has a lot of time because they refuse to hold a job?  If so, that negative trait may go undetected or simply be ignored just to fill the emptiness and feed a need for more time.  Knowing the qualities you need to compliment your happiness is smart.  Knowing the hierarchy of qualities you need to compliment your happiness likely exists in groups, rather than single traits, is smarter.

 1. quality time

2. honesty

3. hard working

4. sense of humor

5. considerate

6. light skinned

7. tall

     Listing traits in a single line (and even numbering them as seen above), leads one to think of each trait as a ranked item.  Rather than thinking singular, the thought process should be more geared toward a cluster perspective.  Much like the food group pyramid taught in nutrition classes, certain traits go together in importance and others together in less importance.  But “together” is the key.

tall,  light skinned

quality time,  sense of humor

honesty,  hard working,  considerate

     With core traits as the foundation, we take the same list and arrange it in a group hierarchy rather than a linear one (as seen above).  Time may have been a factor in the demise of the former relationship. However, based on the example it is clear you cannot search for time in your next mate without ensuring they also possess honesty, consideration and are hard working.  It is clear that a collection of traits with different degrees of importance are needed to compliment your happiness.  A solitary trait will not lead to the success of a relationship; therefore singular traits should not be sought after with the vigor of a crusade.  Instead of using the straw that broke the camel’s back as the lone important ‘gotta have’ item for risking your heart, simply adding it to the pool of traits collected through trial and error of life elicits more success.

     Pursuits of perfection can sometimes over shadow the less than perfect, but needed, things in life.  Vying toward what is not in possession, while not maintaining or considering what IS in possession, usually plays out like the misdirection in magic.  The big picture is missed due to a small portion being a focal point.  Trade in the microscope for a pair of glasses so you can see more of the full picture that will bring you success.  Always keep the totality of your percentage in mind.  If the goal is truly getting as close to 100% as possible, then building on the 80% is needed.

     The grass isn’t always greener on the other side BUT it is always greener where you water it.  But that’s a statement for another article.

May The Odds Ever Be In Your Favor… (Female Rivalry)

Did it start before high school?  I’m not sure but at some point in some girls’ lives they liked a boy and that boy liked another girl.  Instead of finding a boy that likes her, what does she do… dislike the girl that was chosen.  Female rivalry, sadly it’s alive and well among women of all ages.

It’s clear to everyone but her, the problem is NOT with the other woman but with her man.  Why is it so easy to blame another woman for the short comings of your man’s promises to you?  Why dislike someone you don’t know just because they’ve caught the eye of your sweetheart and become relevant?  Some women simply find it easier to blame the other woman than to require change from their man.  Instead of holding him accountable for his actions, they engage in a laundry list of behaviors:

• stalking the other woman’s social media
• getting the other woman’s contact information from their man’s phone
• calling the other woman to announce yourself as his
• commenting negatively about the other woman for all the world to see on your social media
• confronting the other woman however she can

 All those behaviors and more while your man comforts the other woman and tells her YOU are just crazy.  What do you gain besides everybody in your business and still as loyal as ever to him?

Hunting down other women because they gain the favor of your man is like playing the Hunger Games.  You hope to shoot down every other woman in the running and end up as the last one.  Your strategy is flawed.  The problem is, you don’t have enough ammunition (and sometimes not even the right ammunition) to get rid of all the competition.  The problem is not the competition, the problem is the man placing you within a competition and you are helping HIM to win.  You see now he gets to have you and all the others he chooses to indulge in.  And if two or a few of you fight over him, then he gets even more.  He gets the best of you and the best of them because that’s what people in a competition give….their best.  He gains all the reward and everyone else involved gains a never-ending fight to be on top.

What should you do if you find yourself with a man giving you broken promises and showing affections toward another woman?  You should blame no one but him and decide if you want to share or wish him well.  You should know that what he doesn’t give you another man will and not be afraid to let go if that’s what you want.  You should know if you choose to stay then he need not enjoy exclusivity from you either.  You should know that another woman is NOT responsible for the upkeep of your connection to your man.  You should expect more from yourself than petty antics that still won’t get you what you want.  You should know to value yourself enough not to be immature and instead be and handle things intelligently.

Of course all of this is about another woman who is a stranger to you.  If the other woman is a family member or a friend…

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

5 Men a Single Woman Should Date….#AtTheSameDayumTime

DISCLAIMER:  Forgive me for the hash tag abuse, I am mightily aware that the purpose of hash tags is to group together like posts on Twitter and now Instagram.  However, for the past few years hash tags have been abused on Facebook as a way to emphasize apart of your status.  I’ve embraced the latter and have done so here. 😉

Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.  I beg the question: why isn’t it harder for women to commit?  It’s only a matter of making a simple decision: don’t try to make the one you’re with, The One.  Instead learn what your One looks like, feels like, handles business like, etc…. and hold auditions.  Oh you didn’t realize that is what most men have most women doing?  And why not?  I mean companies interview for jobs using requirements and performance expectations.  Who’s fault is it that you are so willing to work with what you have in a man when you meet him rather than continue to see who would be a better fit?

While a woman is single, she should be greedy and selfish.  It should be all about her when she’s dealing with men that she dates.  Dating and being single should be fun.  Compromise and understanding is for relationships and if you aren’t in one…  Get the picture?  Too often women are trying to be a girlfriend without having been given the title.  All too willing to be considered rather than be the one doing the considering.

Stop interviewing for the girlfriend job and hold your own interviews for the job of being your boyfriend!  It’s all about knowing your value and doing your part to accept nothing less than what you deserve.  “Some people are the kind of people to go into a bank like what do I have to do to get this loan and others walk into a bank like what are you willing to do to get my business“.  That’s a quote by author John Wolfe.  Although he wasn’t talking about relationships, it still applies.  Are you the kind of woman that will start with a man seeing what you can do for him or are you the kind of woman that will start with a man making sure he can do what you need done for you?  The latter usually ends up with a greater amount of happiness with her choice.

Who are these five men a woman should look for in her interview processes?  Ben, Stan, E, Richard and Mo.

Ben is a BENefactor.  When he comes into your life, he upgrades it.  A man is a provider and if he is not providing for you then be clear that your relationship will be off balance.  It’s such a natural instinct for man that if he isn’t providing for you, then you can almost bet there is someone else he is providing for in lieu of you.  Providing can be using his contacts, his resources and/or his money.  I don’t encourage you to be a gold digger, just don’t entertain a broke……. Well, you know what Kanye West said, no need in me finishing the statement.

Stan is underSTANding.  He takes the time to find out who you are and what makes you happy.  He can tell by your voice that you’ve had a rough day and responds to your need to relax.  He gets you.  He knows exactly how you will react in certain situations.  You sometimes communicate without even saying a word.  He keeps you positive when you’re being negative.  He is your comfort zone.

E is Entertaining.  You work hard and you should play hard, so who better to play with?  His purpose is to bring balance to your life.  He’s fun and always “on”.  With him it’s all about a good time, whether you go out or stay in.  He caters to your adventurous side and reminds you that life is supposed to be exciting.

Richard is good in bed (some of you will get how the name relates later, if not email me and I’ll tell you the inside joke).  He sexes you upside the wall, just the way you need it.  He makes sure you get yours….twice….before he climaxes.  He is all about pleasing you because he realizes that will translate into him being pleased too.  From a romantic Don Juan to a Christian Grey, he gives you ecstasy just the way you like it.

Mo is the role MOdel.  He is important whether you have children right now or you plan to have them in the future.  From the outside looking in, he is to be your definition of a man.  Other guys respect him but women want their sons to be like him and their daughter to marry someone like him.

Sometimes each of these type of men are not in five separate men.  Your Ben may also be your E or your Stan may also be your Richard and your Mo.  It doesn’t matter when you’re single, just make sure you have each in your life.  When you get good at identifying each of these men and you’re ready to settle down, then your auditions should be geared toward finding one candidate that has the combination of the five that you need to compliment your particular happiness.

No one is perfect and I’d venture to say that a single man fitting all five types, would be hard to find.  Decide what’s important to you and find HIM.  After you’ve found him and BOTH of you are committed, then you have responsibilities to make sure you compliment his happiness by fulfilling his needs and wants too.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

by Sha’  (www.YURImagazine.com Lifestyles Tab, Holiday 2011)

            It’s the holiday season and some of my sisters are lonely.  Some of my sisters are impatient and tired of not having a man!  They are tired of seeing couples snuggle up as they shop for gifts together.  They are tired of couples feeding each other when dining out.  Everyone seems to be happy and with a man, everyone but them.  So why are they alone?  Where is their boo?

             How many times have you heard, everything happens for a reason?  Well what exactly is the reason so many women are alone?  What if the reason was simpler than you thought?  I challenge my single sisters to combat their loneliness with selfishness!  Stop focusing on what you don’t have and focus on what you do have.  Focus on YOU!  Be selfish and do all the things you want to do.  Go shopping without explaining the value of the purchase or without sneaking your purchases into the house to avoid explaining them.  Eat and complain about it without having to hear someone tell you to do something about it instead of just complaining.  Be naked with the lights on!  All the things you have to compromise on when you are with a man…be selfish and do them your way!

             Avoid situations that exacerbate your feelings of loneliness.  It’s okay to not spend a lot of time around your friends that are coupled off.  It’s okay to digress from conversations with over bearing people about why you STILL don’t have a man.  Replace those situations with single friendly situations.  Skip dinner with your couple friends and date yourself at that new restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Instead of sitting at a table or booth…head for the bar!

             For goodness sake take a break from the love movies and feeding the fantasy of the knight in shining armor.  Unrealistic views of how you’ll meet a man, what his appearance should be or what type of personality he’ll have are more damaging than anything else.  What we have in our minds as how things are supposed to be can do more to keep us alone than a shortage of men.

             Being single is not the worse thing in the world.  Use the time you are given alone to get to know better and spoil yourself.  I am by no means proposing that you stay single forever.  But think about it, there is nothing like a woman that knows how to treat herself to better identify how she is supposed to be treated by a man.  A woman who knows who she is can better recognize what kind of man is more compatible with her.  Finally a woman who spoils herself will expect nothing less from a mate.

             What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They do just what they want to do!

             Think you are ready to get back on the horse and start dating again?  Well first things first.  Date for fun and not just for a life partner.  That guy that wants to take you out but you don’t like his teeth, let him take you to a movie.  It gives you something to do and you can’t see his teeth in the dark.  A long time ago, women used to “date for dinner”.  They would go out with men for the purpose of dining out and being social.  They would sharpen their conversation skills and knowledge of current events.  They knew the value of dating for skills sake.  They honed their dating aptitude to seamlessly transfer these talents to a someone special.

             I absolutely am not suggesting women not have standards.  It is great to have standards.  Standards should steer us in the right direction of what we are looking for in a mate and be a guide.  However standards should not narrow your pool of potential mates to nil.  Make sure you realize what is behind your standards.  I have a friend who listed among her standards that a man not have children and be a nurse, as she is a nurse.  Those are some VERY specific standards that knock out volumes of men from her consideration.  When asked why she had those particular standards, she responded that she didn’t want baby momma drama and she wanted her mate to be able to go on travel nursing assignments with her.  I pointed out to her that maybe her standard should be to have a mate that handles his business with his children and their mother in such a way that it doesn’t cause conflict, rather than a mate with no children at all.  The problem is neither the children nor the children’s mother.  The problem is clearly a lack of boundaries on the part of the mate.  As far as a fellow nurse to travel with her on assignments, I reminded her that other professions allow for long travel periods.  The roofing business slows down in the winter.  A roofer could travel with her in his off season.  A writer doesn’t have any ties to a location and could easily travel as often as she liked.  Sometimes closing in on specific traits lead to a closed mind and closed opportunities.

             Be proactive in your efforts to be available and get yourself out there for potential mates.  Wipe that frown off your face and replace it with a smile.  If you don’t seem approachable then why would anyone approach you?  What does your walk say about you?  A confident alluring walk can do wonders for getting you noticed.  Get a full length mirror and practice walking toward it.  You don’t have to be a model, just don’t be Big Foot.  Stop worrying about the things about your physical appearance that you can’t change in an instant.  Accentuate the positive and hide the flaws.  If you have no butt but a nice rack, then wear a top that shows your cleavage and wear pants that have pockets.

 What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They prepare themselves to potentially not be lonely next Christmas.