Relationship laundry list or being happy with your choice?

If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.

Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head.  Your significant other should have this and be that.  If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs.  That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome.  Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list.  Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list?  There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.

mordor

If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference).  In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience.  Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.

If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game.  Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle.  Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change.  Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards.  All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with.  Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

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Need Closure For Your Old Relationship…. Zipper Anyone?!?!

Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering.  Men handle them differently than women.  As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner.  As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things.  As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended.  The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.

zipper

Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever.  The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate.  It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life.  Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything.  You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.

So where can you turn for closure?  Turn to yourself.  Closure always has and always will come from within.  You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc…  Stop calling him.  Stop waiting for him.  Stop Facebook stalking him.  YOU decide.  YOU have the power.  YOU give yourself closure.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Ask Sha’ re Feminist Propaganda bullsh!t

I didn’t get a question. It was a comment. I will cut and paste it, as not to misquote:

men commit to relationships wwwaaay more serious than women…youre just spewing the normal feminist propaganda bullshit..

First, I’d like to ask, who threw-up in your Cheerios sweetie?  Second, I can only assume you were referring to the recent post 5 Men Single Women Should #AtThesameDayumTime and the line that went “Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.” Clearly you didn’t catch that I said women FEEL it’s hard to get a man to commit. Despite your mistaken comprehension of my post, let’s talk more anyway. You were kind enough to add a YouTube video to your correspondence. I have embedded the video below  to oblige your need for cross marketing for it from that audience to mine. 😉 I don’t know if you are the video author of this clip or simply a fanatic of it because you didn’t disclose. I’ll simply call you Mr. IP Address: 71.82.15.93.  The video starts by defining a woman attempting to persuade a man of her desires as “gyno-speak”. I assume the reference was a play on words as related to gynecology. I’m sure you thought that was as cute as I thought calling a dick the name Richard was cute in my post. To each his own on that point.  The video goes on to label a commitment as a man giving up his freedom and a woman using “shaming” language to accomplish this goal. It then continues on a tyriad about men not being commitment-phobes but being labeled as such by women who want to induce “domestic slavery”.  I apologize to you for stopping at the 3:53  point of the 12:09 video but I’d heard quite enough to back my initial opinion that you clearly misunderstood my post you lovingly labeled as “feminist propaganda bullshit”. However, I did surmise a few more points for you even having only heard about 1/3 of your recommended media delivered in a condescendingly robotic voice.

  • I never said men were commitment-phobes. I said they are selective and don’t easily settle for less than what they want. I then advised women to follow suit.
  • Every woman doesn’t want a commitment.
  • The video is a negative person speaking from a negative point of view probably not realizing that is the very state that lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy of attracting negativity. I believe the saying goes, “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I’ll translate it to apply here: if you expect that every woman that wants to be exclusive with you is inducting you into domestic slavery with vagina speak, then that is what you will attract.

I want to thank you so much for sharing. YOUR thought process is the exact thought process of a man that looks for woman to audition to earn your focus; regardless of your qualifications (or lack thereof ) for that focus. Thus proving the need for the original point of my advice………..ladies, qualify men (and friends, family, etc…) for your precious time and hearts.

The ABC’s of Relationships…the eBook

As I discussed in the reflection post for the A to Z Blog Challenge I participated in the entire month of April, I will be taking the posts I created for each letter and publishing them in an eBook.

As of now, all 26 of those posts are  no longer visible on my blog. It is almost as if I didn’t blog at all in the month of April, when in reality I blogged everyday with the exception of Sundays. Never fear, the post have a new home with my eBook to be published this month in the Amazon Kindle store.

A huge thank you to Arlee Bird (the creator of the blog challenge) for agreeing to pen the forward for my book AND to those persons who gave their permissions for their comments to the original posts to be included in the book.  I’d also like to thank everyone that commented, followed my blog and shared my blog during the challenge. I hope you will consider giving the gift of my relationship advice to your family and friends.

The ABC’s of Relationships by S.W. Cannon will be published on Nonnac Content & Press into the Kindle store for only 99 Cents, June 2013.

 

What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

YURI_Holiday2011

by Sha’  (www.YURImagazine.com Lifestyles Tab, Holiday 2011)

            It’s the holiday season and some of my sisters are lonely.  Some of my sisters are impatient and tired of not having a man!  They are tired of seeing couples snuggle up as they shop for gifts together.  They are tired of couples feeding each other when dining out.  Everyone seems to be happy and with a man, everyone but them.  So why are they alone?  Where is their boo?

             How many times have you heard, everything happens for a reason?  Well what exactly is the reason so many women are alone?  What if the reason was simpler than you thought?  I challenge my single sisters to combat their loneliness with selfishness!  Stop focusing on what you don’t have and focus on what you do have.  Focus on YOU!  Be selfish and do all the things you want to do.  Go shopping without explaining the value of the purchase or without sneaking your purchases into the house to avoid explaining them.  Eat and complain about it without having to hear someone tell you to do something about it instead of just complaining.  Be naked with the lights on!  All the things you have to compromise on when you are with a man…be selfish and do them your way!

             Avoid situations that exacerbate your feelings of loneliness.  It’s okay to not spend a lot of time around your friends that are coupled off.  It’s okay to digress from conversations with over bearing people about why you STILL don’t have a man.  Replace those situations with single friendly situations.  Skip dinner with your couple friends and date yourself at that new restaurant you’ve been dying to try.  Instead of sitting at a table or booth…head for the bar!

             For goodness sake take a break from the love movies and feeding the fantasy of the knight in shining armor.  Unrealistic views of how you’ll meet a man, what his appearance should be or what type of personality he’ll have are more damaging than anything else.  What we have in our minds as how things are supposed to be can do more to keep us alone than a shortage of men.

             Being single is not the worse thing in the world.  Use the time you are given alone to get to know better and spoil yourself.  I am by no means proposing that you stay single forever.  But think about it, there is nothing like a woman that knows how to treat herself to better identify how she is supposed to be treated by a man.  A woman who knows who she is can better recognize what kind of man is more compatible with her.  Finally a woman who spoils herself will expect nothing less from a mate.

             What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They do just what they want to do!

             Think you are ready to get back on the horse and start dating again?  Well first things first.  Date for fun and not just for a life partner.  That guy that wants to take you out but you don’t like his teeth, let him take you to a movie.  It gives you something to do and you can’t see his teeth in the dark.  A long time ago, women used to “date for dinner”.  They would go out with men for the purpose of dining out and being social.  They would sharpen their conversation skills and knowledge of current events.  They knew the value of dating for skills sake.  They honed their dating aptitude to seamlessly transfer these talents to a someone special.

             I absolutely am not suggesting women not have standards.  It is great to have standards.  Standards should steer us in the right direction of what we are looking for in a mate and be a guide.  However standards should not narrow your pool of potential mates to nil.  Make sure you realize what is behind your standards.  I have a friend who listed among her standards that a man not have children and be a nurse, as she is a nurse.  Those are some VERY specific standards that knock out volumes of men from her consideration.  When asked why she had those particular standards, she responded that she didn’t want baby momma drama and she wanted her mate to be able to go on travel nursing assignments with her.  I pointed out to her that maybe her standard should be to have a mate that handles his business with his children and their mother in such a way that it doesn’t cause conflict, rather than a mate with no children at all.  The problem is neither the children nor the children’s mother.  The problem is clearly a lack of boundaries on the part of the mate.  As far as a fellow nurse to travel with her on assignments, I reminded her that other professions allow for long travel periods.  The roofing business slows down in the winter.  A roofer could travel with her in his off season.  A writer doesn’t have any ties to a location and could easily travel as often as she liked.  Sometimes closing in on specific traits lead to a closed mind and closed opportunities.

             Be proactive in your efforts to be available and get yourself out there for potential mates.  Wipe that frown off your face and replace it with a smile.  If you don’t seem approachable then why would anyone approach you?  What does your walk say about you?  A confident alluring walk can do wonders for getting you noticed.  Get a full length mirror and practice walking toward it.  You don’t have to be a model, just don’t be Big Foot.  Stop worrying about the things about your physical appearance that you can’t change in an instant.  Accentuate the positive and hide the flaws.  If you have no butt but a nice rack, then wear a top that shows your cleavage and wear pants that have pockets.

 What do the lonely do at Christmas?  They prepare themselves to potentially not be lonely next Christmas.