Relationship laundry list or being happy with your choice?

If you are in a relationship and not getting every single thing that you want out if it, ask yourself: do you want a relationship that meets the full laundry list of your requirements or do you want a relationship with a particular person that doesn’t seem to meet them all? The approach is different for each.

Whenever you think you are clear on what you need from a mate to be happy there is invariably a list created in your head.  Your significant other should have this and be that.  If you are a reasonable person, your list eventually shortens from a bunch of wants to foundational needs.  That list includes things like willingness to communicate rather than things like tall, dark and handsome.  Even with a reasonable list of realistic needs, the person applying for the job may not fulfill the entire list.  Do you give up a great person to check off your complete list?  There isn’t a wrong answer to that question, only a wrong answer for YOU.

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If all the items on your list are a must have then the how-to is simple: compare your list to your suitor and proceed accordingly. However, you have signed up for a journey akin to taking the “precious” to Mordor under the scrutinizing eye of Lord Sauron (for you non-geeks, that’s a Lord of the Rings reference).  In plain English, you have chosen to exercise grave patience.  Most people don’t know if the person that has everything on their list exists because they won’t finish the search to find out.

If a person has come along that is evaluated to be worth taking a chance on despite not meeting the full list, then you have a whole different ball game.  Choosing a person to be your companion over the full list you feel your companion should have begins a hefty battle.  Once you’ve decided on a person rather than ALL the things you think you would need from someone in the position you have given them, your approach has to change.  Instead of that person measuring up to your standards, most of your interaction with that person will be you adjusting your standards.  All the things about a person that you thought would make you happy are replaced by a person and all their flaws that you’ve chosen to create your happiness with.  Picking that person includes picking their decision making, picking their personality, picking their way to receive and give love, etc… You will need a plethora of acceptance and perseverance. BUT what do you know… that’s what long lasting relationships need anyway. You just may find out that the happiness from being with the person you’ve chosen is far better than the totality of any list you could have created.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Need Closure For Your Old Relationship…. Zipper Anyone?!?!

Whether it was a 10 year committed relationship or a month long fling, when the interaction ends there are always so many questions and what ifs lingering.  Men handle them differently than women.  As women we tend to push for answers, understanding and satisfaction from our former partner.  As women we sometimes feel as though we’re stuck and can’t move on without those things.  As women, we have to learn to let go of that death grip we tend to have on trying to get him to satisfy our need to get why it ended and accept that it ended.  The truth is, if you are waiting to be made whole again through closure from your ex….. you may as well buy a zipper.

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Well it doesn’t have to be a zipper, feel free to purchase a button, a snap, velco….whatever.  The point is you are more likely to get closure from those items than you are your former mate.  It’s okay to have questions about where it went wrong, how it went wrong, what was your part, etc… The problem comes in when it is expected that the information is owed to you, the information will make you whole again or the information will miraculously make you ready to move on with your life.  Marriage or a one night stand, if that person hasn’t made a commitment to stay with you and work it out then they don’t owe you anything.  You can feel entitled for as long as you like but the blatant truth is, it isn’t owed to you and you may never get it the way you think you should anyway.

So where can you turn for closure?  Turn to yourself.  Closure always has and always will come from within.  You have to reconcile for yourself (sometimes with no information from your ex) how the break-up will affect you, what it will teach, what it will change about you, how it will tweak your dating process, etc…  Stop calling him.  Stop waiting for him.  Stop Facebook stalking him.  YOU decide.  YOU have the power.  YOU give yourself closure.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

Ask Sha’ re Feminist Propaganda bullsh!t

I didn’t get a question. It was a comment. I will cut and paste it, as not to misquote:

men commit to relationships wwwaaay more serious than women…youre just spewing the normal feminist propaganda bullshit..

First, I’d like to ask, who threw-up in your Cheerios sweetie?  Second, I can only assume you were referring to the recent post 5 Men Single Women Should #AtThesameDayumTime and the line that went “Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.” Clearly you didn’t catch that I said women FEEL it’s hard to get a man to commit. Despite your mistaken comprehension of my post, let’s talk more anyway. You were kind enough to add a YouTube video to your correspondence. I have embedded the video below  to oblige your need for cross marketing for it from that audience to mine. 😉 I don’t know if you are the video author of this clip or simply a fanatic of it because you didn’t disclose. I’ll simply call you Mr. IP Address: 71.82.15.93.  The video starts by defining a woman attempting to persuade a man of her desires as “gyno-speak”. I assume the reference was a play on words as related to gynecology. I’m sure you thought that was as cute as I thought calling a dick the name Richard was cute in my post. To each his own on that point.  The video goes on to label a commitment as a man giving up his freedom and a woman using “shaming” language to accomplish this goal. It then continues on a tyriad about men not being commitment-phobes but being labeled as such by women who want to induce “domestic slavery”.  I apologize to you for stopping at the 3:53  point of the 12:09 video but I’d heard quite enough to back my initial opinion that you clearly misunderstood my post you lovingly labeled as “feminist propaganda bullshit”. However, I did surmise a few more points for you even having only heard about 1/3 of your recommended media delivered in a condescendingly robotic voice.

  • I never said men were commitment-phobes. I said they are selective and don’t easily settle for less than what they want. I then advised women to follow suit.
  • Every woman doesn’t want a commitment.
  • The video is a negative person speaking from a negative point of view probably not realizing that is the very state that lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy of attracting negativity. I believe the saying goes, “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I’ll translate it to apply here: if you expect that every woman that wants to be exclusive with you is inducting you into domestic slavery with vagina speak, then that is what you will attract.

I want to thank you so much for sharing. YOUR thought process is the exact thought process of a man that looks for woman to audition to earn your focus; regardless of your qualifications (or lack thereof ) for that focus. Thus proving the need for the original point of my advice………..ladies, qualify men (and friends, family, etc…) for your precious time and hearts.

5 Men a Single Woman Should Date….#AtTheSameDayumTime

DISCLAIMER:  Forgive me for the hash tag abuse, I am mightily aware that the purpose of hash tags is to group together like posts on Twitter and now Instagram.  However, for the past few years hash tags have been abused on Facebook as a way to emphasize apart of your status.  I’ve embraced the latter and have done so here. 😉

Women tend to get upset because they often feel it’s hard to get a man to commit.  I beg the question: why isn’t it harder for women to commit?  It’s only a matter of making a simple decision: don’t try to make the one you’re with, The One.  Instead learn what your One looks like, feels like, handles business like, etc…. and hold auditions.  Oh you didn’t realize that is what most men have most women doing?  And why not?  I mean companies interview for jobs using requirements and performance expectations.  Who’s fault is it that you are so willing to work with what you have in a man when you meet him rather than continue to see who would be a better fit?

While a woman is single, she should be greedy and selfish.  It should be all about her when she’s dealing with men that she dates.  Dating and being single should be fun.  Compromise and understanding is for relationships and if you aren’t in one…  Get the picture?  Too often women are trying to be a girlfriend without having been given the title.  All too willing to be considered rather than be the one doing the considering.

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Stop interviewing for the girlfriend job and hold your own interviews for the job of being your boyfriend!  It’s all about knowing your value and doing your part to accept nothing less than what you deserve.  “Some people are the kind of people to go into a bank like what do I have to do to get this loan and others walk into a bank like what are you willing to do to get my business“.  That’s a quote by author John Wolfe.  Although he wasn’t talking about relationships, it still applies.  Are you the kind of woman that will start with a man seeing what you can do for him or are you the kind of woman that will start with a man making sure he can do what you need done for you?  The latter usually ends up with a greater amount of happiness with her choice.

Who are these five men a woman should look for in her interview processes?  Ben, Stan, E, Richard and Mo.

Ben is a BENefactor.  When he comes into your life, he upgrades it.  A man is a provider and if he is not providing for you then be clear that your relationship will be off balance.  It’s such a natural instinct for man that if he isn’t providing for you, then you can almost bet there is someone else he is providing for in lieu of you.  Providing can be using his contacts, his resources and/or his money.  I don’t encourage you to be a gold digger, just don’t entertain a broke……. Well, you know what Kanye West said, no need in me finishing the statement.

Stan is underSTANding.  He takes the time to find out who you are and what makes you happy.  He can tell by your voice that you’ve had a rough day and responds to your need to relax.  He gets you.  He knows exactly how you will react in certain situations.  You sometimes communicate without even saying a word.  He keeps you positive when you’re being negative.  He is your comfort zone.

E is Entertaining.  You work hard and you should play hard, so who better to play with?  His purpose is to bring balance to your life.  He’s fun and always “on”.  With him it’s all about a good time, whether you go out or stay in.  He caters to your adventurous side and reminds you that life is supposed to be exciting.

Richard is good in bed (some of you will get how the name relates later, if not email me and I’ll tell you the inside joke).  He sexes you upside the wall, just the way you need it.  He makes sure you get yours….twice….before he climaxes.  He is all about pleasing you because he realizes that will translate into him being pleased too.  From a romantic Don Juan to a Christian Grey, he gives you ecstasy just the way you like it.

Mo is the role MOdel.  He is important whether you have children right now or you plan to have them in the future.  From the outside looking in, he is to be your definition of a man.  Other guys respect him but women want their sons to be like him and their daughter to marry someone like him.

Sometimes each of these type of men are not in five separate men.  Your Ben may also be your E or your Stan may also be your Richard and your Mo.  It doesn’t matter when you’re single, just make sure you have each in your life.  When you get good at identifying each of these men and you’re ready to settle down, then your auditions should be geared toward finding one candidate that has the combination of the five that you need to compliment your particular happiness.

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No one is perfect and I’d venture to say that a single man fitting all five types, would be hard to find.  Decide what’s important to you and find HIM.  After you’ve found him and BOTH of you are committed, then you have responsibilities to make sure you compliment his happiness by fulfilling his needs and wants too.

As always, I encourage you to share your experience or debate mine!!

They Won’t STFU Communicating in Secret Woman Language

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It’s well known that females like to talk.  We talk to our friends.  We talk to our co-workers.  We talk to you (to death, let you guys tell it).  We also talk to the other women you’ve dated in the past and/or to anyone we think you may be interested in/dating in addition to us.  Oh yeah…we talk.  Often it isn’t direct and even more often, men don’t pick up on it.  Back in the day we’d dedicate a song to you on the most popular station of the radio.

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“This next song goes out to Dexter of Pleasant Grove from Laura.  She wants you to know that no matter the hard times, she will always love you.”

These days women symbolically pee around their territory on social networks.  It may be a subtweet (a tweet referring to a person without using their name) or it may be a Facebook post.

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          As a man, most of you will think such behavior is catty and petty.  Why are women like this?  What drives this kind of behavior? In a word…jealousy.

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Even a secure woman can feel some kind of way if they feel the presence of another woman growing in your life or you show what they deem as undue attention to another woman or women.

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How does YOUR woman even know about anyone else?  Even if you haven’t left evidence or done anything different, the other woman will begin to make her own presence known.  If a woman is in “like”, let alone in love with you then she will always crave to be top dog.  I call this the fight to be relevant.  Even the friends with benefits partner will maneuver for a top spot once she gets a whiff of competition.  Competition over a man will NEVER not feel like a threat to a woman.  We can’t even share clothes, very few of us can successfully share a man.  In fact, most women are driven by the fear of having to share a man or losing out to another woman after unknowingly having shared a man.  We want to know we were your best choice…we prefer to be your only choice.  That preference is what drives us to destroy any possible competition.  If competition exists we WILL find her because as soon as we get that whiff of competition, we shift into observant detective overload.

A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than The FBI

We start to leave “messages”.  The main message is girlfriend, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE!  Sometimes it’s your own carelessness as a man that plays a part in giving you away.  Maybe the date you paid for at the frou-frou restaurant which wasn’t with her, was evidenced by the receipt displaying that big tip you left to make a good impression.

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Most often is something she did that you missed to test the waters with her message. She conveniently puts her lipstick stained glass in the sink with the stain facing another dish rather than outward where you’d immediately see it.  You look for stains on in the middle of the sheets but what about the make-up stains on the pillow case that she flipped over as she made your bed hoping you wouldn’t be the first to see it.

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Hair pins or a pair of earrings left in your window sill hidden by your blinds only to be discovered by the other female when she goes to use the same window sill as a shelf too.  Get a nightstand for the other side of the bed too dude! lol  The shadowy area under the guest side of the bed can be refuge to any number of not-so-big items left by a woman for the next guest to find.  Next thing you know, you’re being asked “Who’s is this?”

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She’s the last one in the bathroom before you leave for work and she’s opportunistically put your condom on the top of the trash.  Your kidney fails you because you don’t have a reason to go into your bathroom before having company directly after work.

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Oh the bathroom is not your friend and instead can be one of the biggest tattletales.  You may catch the girl soap she left on the tub but what about the travel sized body spray she left under the sink in the far corner behind your toilet tissue supply.  Of course it wouldn’t be your life if your girlfriend didn’t discover it while changing the empty roll.  A dirty linen hamper can be a foe with purpose too.  Housing light colored washcloths or towels with make-up stains or a few too many used towels when you are clearly on the same set as last week can all be a dead giveaway.  Here’s one, she recognizes the hair in your brush as not her own.  Heck you thought it was hers, it’s the same color!!

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Once the language of “You Aren’t the Only One” commences then it is received loud and clear then is usually answered with woman speak for “I’m more relevant than you”.  Once this “talk” begins, it’s all downhill from there.  Drama ensues!!

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Whether you are upfront about dating more than one woman at a time or you have a girlfriend and you’re cheating…trust becomes an issue.  She may not trust that you are as committed as you say or she doesn’t trust she gets more of you than other women, either way the dynamic of the relationship changes.  Now she’s checking your phone or watching you closely every time you pick up your phone.

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When she gets a name, the real craziness arises!  You imagine she’ll just be done with you and leave.  Nope!!  She’ll stay up at night upset over what she’s discovered, sure.  She’ll think about how you’re the scum of the earth and how you don’t deserve her…

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…BUT you won’t get off that easy.  Some women actually think that winning is keeping the man and making the other woman let go.  What usually happens is, neither woman wants to let go.  So instead that’s when the fight started, yes even physical fights sometimes.

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Most definitely, as a sign of the times, social media fights.

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          Women talk.  Sometimes we use our own language that goes above the head of the average man, however we manage to get the message across to others in our species.  With the ratio of women to men being to your advantage, be more aware of the messages being sent by the women in your life.  All of these messages are not verbal and all are not direct.  No matter how much you may wish for it, you probably won’t get us to…

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The ABC’s of Relationships…the eBook

As I discussed in the reflection post for the A to Z Blog Challenge I participated in the entire month of April, I will be taking the posts I created for each letter and publishing them in an eBook.

As of now, all 26 of those posts are  no longer visible on my blog. It is almost as if I didn’t blog at all in the month of April, when in reality I blogged everyday with the exception of Sundays. Never fear, the post have a new home with my eBook to be published this month in the Amazon Kindle store.

A huge thank you to Arlee Bird (the creator of the blog challenge) for agreeing to pen the forward for my book AND to those persons who gave their permissions for their comments to the original posts to be included in the book.  I’d also like to thank everyone that commented, followed my blog and shared my blog during the challenge. I hope you will consider giving the gift of my relationship advice to your family and friends.

The ABC’s of Relationships by S.W. Cannon will be published on Nonnac Content & Press into the Kindle store for only 99 Cents, June 2013.

 

Reflections on my participation in the 2013 A to Z Blog Challenge

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I am so glad I happened upon this blog challenge. I found it while searching for an Instagram April 2013 photo-a-day challenge I wanted to participate in for fun. This challenge has really made me dig in and think about my chosen subject matter for this blog. I started off strong. I took the calendar and wrote in suggested topics all centered around relationships in each block for every letter. In the beginning, I even blogged ahead for a few posts. As the challenge progressed and life started to interfere, I wasn’t able to blog ahead but I did blog daily.  Sometimes I even stayed up past my bedtime just to get my blog in for the day. Toward the end I got behind due to a grueling schedule for the weekend of the 26th to the 28th. I got caught up and even submitted my last blog entry on the last day of April. I enjoyed exploring my personal experiences, as well as the feedback from others. In the coming months I will compile my posts into an eBook entitled The ABC’s of Relationships.  This experience has been one that has made me grow as a writer.

Another benefit is that I now follow some awesome bloggers I may not have discovered if it weren’t for our participation in the challenge. I doesn’t hurt that I gained more than a few followers as well. I hope I can continue to peak their interest, even if it isn’t daily. I wish it were a quarterly challenge but as it stands, I’ll have to wait until next year. Who knows, maybe I’ll even come up with my own blog challenge and invite my fellow bloggers to join me.

I am proud to be a survivor of the 2013 A to Z Blog Challenge.  Fellow AtoZ’ers, tell me about some of your challenges and experiences with the challenge.